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note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,

Last Summer {Day 6: A Moment You Wish You Could Relive}

There are so many moments I wish I could relive. The day I accepted Jesus as my savior, for example. (I was three so I don't remember much about it.) Or the days where my family and I went on a vacation. Or when I held each of my younger siblings for the first time. Like I said, there are so many. But for some reason, today I've been feeling particularly nostalgic. The reason for my nostalgia?

Last summer.

I don't really know what exactly about it I wish I could relive. Last summer isn't really a moment - it's a mix of a million different ones. But that's why I love it. It was when I felt alive and free. (I still do, of course, just not in the same way.) It's when I could run around barefoot in a shorts and a t-shirt, feeling fresh air on my face. Currently, in February, if I ran around barefoot people would think I was crazy and I'd freeze to death. :P
[This picture is ironic since I've never been to the beach. But it makes me think of summer anyway.]

For me, music marks certain points in my life. And for me, last summer could be perfectly described by Stellar Kart's Everything Is Different Now album. I bought it in March for $5, after my friend Ashley said she bought it ... and loved it. Since Ash and I have very similar music tastes, I bought it... and I loved it. 

For some reason, when I listen to that album now, I'm transported back to summer. I hardly listen to that album anymore, but today my mp3 player was on shuffle and it played three SK songs back-to-back. (That's not shuffling, but that's okay.) I was thinking about what to post on my blog for today, as I was listening to music, and for some reason those two things collided, to bring you this post: a post about summer.

Last summer.

The weather was pleasantly warm. The sky was uncannily blue. I was wearing flip flops and shorts. I remember going shopping and then sitting outside on the grass to wait for my mom to pick us up. I remember going to the mountains to spend time with my dear aunt and her family. I remember the last lunch we had with the girls on my mom's side of the family before my grandma left for Arizona. I remember buying my second Relient K album, Two Lefts Don't Make a Right But Three Do, which is another that personifies last summer for me. This song came up on my shuffle too, reminding me of summer.

Summer is coming soon. It's not going to be the same as last summer, but maybe I will get to relive last summer after all. In a whole new way, creating new memories, buying new albums. Living last summer all over again. 


  1. Summer! Some of my best memories were made in the summer. Honestly, it's my favorite season. Above Spring and Fall. I love the heat, I love the feeling of freedom it gives you. I'm hoping this summer will be the best one yet for me, until the summer after that at any rate. ;)

    On a side note, why do you keep posting awesome posts that I just can't help, but comment on!? Oh, because you're an amazing writer. That's why. ;)

  2. Oh, I love summer. Around this time every year I want summer really badly.

    It sounds like you had a great one last year, I hope you have another one this year. :)

  3. I too am seriously looking forward to bare feet! I actually did take my shoes off a few days ago, just to feel a tiny patch of soggy and cold grass with my toes. :) But then I had to put them back on. :(

    Thank you! Inna is actually a nickname for me too, I rather like it. ;)

    I love your nickname, Sky. It sounds so summery! (I guess I've got summer on the brain lately. ;)

  4. Wait: You have never been to the beach? What? You have GOT to be kidding me! Please tell me you're joking. Please. Please. PLEASE!

    I'm speechless.


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