note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021.

Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash

I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things.

It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto, like a parasite searching for a home. And yet, I'm no longer in that position. I am trying to build myself. Not only that, I am showing up for myself in ways I never have.

I had a dream a few years ago, where I met my younger self. I was about three or four, and I was playing in a play house. My current self stopped to say hi, and I played with my younger self, and we talked. I wish I could remember what we said to each other, but I don't, not really. When I woke up I had the strangest feeling that the dream was more profound than I realized, but I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was. I held onto the dream, without any understanding of its meaning. Until recently... I was grieving a series of recent losses, and grieving the fact that I grew up feeling so alone, struggling to make friends. I grieved for the little girl I was and how alone I felt. Until I realized, I was never alone. My twenty-five year old self has always been there, telling the little girl that it's going to be okay. Telling my sixteen year old self things get better. I am always rooting for myself. I'm never alone, because all the past and present and future versions of myself are there with me. I have always shown up for myself, even if I never knew about it.

I promise to continue to show up for myself — past, present, and future. In the end, while I value them very much, my friendships and relationships will pale in comparison to the relationship I build with myself. If that's not solid, nothing will be. So, while I am alone — I am not quite lonely. I think this meme from Parks and Rec said it best...