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note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,

NaNoWriMo: Are You Freaking Out Yet?

Every morning this week I've been greeted by a slew of posts about NaNoWriMo on my dashboard. It's thrilling, to be sure.

This is NaNoWriMo, people. It's happening in 7 days.

Seven days?!

I must be crazy.

Oh wait, NaNo is made of crazy.

I actually started doubting my sanity a couple days ago. Really doubting my sanity. Can I handle NaNo? Am I crazy for doing this?

Okay, yes, I am crazy. We've already established that.

Anyway, I'm starting to feel the pre-November crunch. You know... that sinking feeling in your stomach when you realize just what you've gotten yourself into.

What have I gotten myself into, indeed?

I want to do NaNo. I really do. I think it'll be good for me. But those feelings of inadequacy are almost too much.

What if my novel stinks?
{It probably will.}
But I want it to be a good first draft!
{There is no such thing as a good first draft.}
I want my writing to be perfect! 
{Silly. Your writing won't be perfect, and neither will you.}

It's the endless struggle of a writer: Inadequacy. Our words aren't good enough... we aren't good enough.

Oh, but we are.

We have to believe it. What we write is worth something. To us. To the world. To God. We're not worthless... and neither are our words.

I want to do NaNo because I need to get over this inadequacy. Writing is not about being perfect, it's about writing. We can strive and strive to make our words perfect the first time around, but in the end, we won't finish what we start. Believe me - I know.  The only time I've finished a novel is when I let go of my expectations and decided to write it all down. Everything. No self-censoring. No editing allowed. Just writing, pure and simple.

Yes, there is a certain amount of planning we must do. But I've found that when I plan too much, all the fun will drain right out of it. Then again, if I don't plan at all, then my novel is more disaster-prone. I'm discovering something, though: there are no right or wrong answers. We must write the way we have to write. It's a balance; a limbo of words, planning and editing, painting our souls and telling our tales.

The writing journey can't be described. It's different for each person. So I'm trying to remember this: Write the way that works for me. The most important thing about writing is this:


After all, that's why we're called writers, isn't it?

{P.S. - I have a couple blog posts in mind that don't have anything to do with NaNoWriMo... so stay tuned.}


  1. yup! i am entirely spazzing out about NaNo. but you can read all my ramblings on my writers blog.

    honestly, it's my third year, and i'm still nervous. it's always nerve-wracking.


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