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note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,

Heart Update

So, I woke up this morning, anxious to hear news about my grandpa, and the first thing my mom said to me was, "The surgery's been postponed till Monday."

My reaction: WHAT?!?!

Turns out, it's an amazingly good thing, and God is really working here. Grandpa was in pre-op when they checked his blood platelet count and found it was too low. The normal is 150,000, but he only has 80,000. So, his surgery will be on Monday.

If they HADN'T ended up checking his count, well... I shudder to think what could have happened. The platelets allow your blood to clot, and when the count is too low, your blood isn't able to form clots. Well, with heart surgery, that is a very bad thing. So I'm thanking God that this was taken care of.

They're bringing in a doctor to figure out why his count is so low, so please pray that:

  1. They figure out why his count is so low, and that they'd be able to fix it.
  2. That his surgery would go well on Monday.
Thank you so much, everyone, for your loving comments and your support. It means a lot to me, and I feel at peace even in the midst of all of this.

On a random note, my aunt posted pictures of where my grandparents' have been living/working - up until now, I had no clue what it looked like. Let me just say, I am jealous! *whimpers* ;) It's a warmer climate than what I'm used to, so they are soaking up the sun... in January. :P Here, the snow STILL hasn't melted from our storm a few weeks ago.

Anyway, please continue to pray. Thank you so much!

And finally, I just had to share this picture I found from 2009. It's of my bedside table, and in case you think I'm the cleanliest person on earth, allow me to prove you wrong.
This is what my bedroom looks like 90% of the time. >.<
As the caption to this picture says: YES the clock says 12:52, and YES that is PM, and YES I need to clean off my nightstand. What of it?
And guess what sign I have on my door? A slogan I came up with myself.

My room isn't messy. It's just LIVED IN.


  1. I love the slogan! I'll be praying and I hope everything turns out right with your grandfather :)


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