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note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,

a mess

yes, i know i just posted. but i just...feel like writing right now. and for my sanity's sake, there will be no uppercase letters in this post if i can help it. enjoy the imperfection... i just need to write without thinking about the rules.

i've been having trouble being content lately. it's one of those weeks where my hormones are raging, and i really don't feel like being happy. i've been reading in my Bible about joy, and even wrote a devotional about it at beautiful in Christ. but it's been really hard for me to take to heart. i know joy isn't based on circumstances, but i'm trying to figure out how to make it otherwise (at least in my life).

living in the city has been really annoying for me lately, because i want to go out and have adventures. there's not much adventure to find in the city, obviously, unless you want to throw yourself into rush hour traffic (and then again, that's just stupid). also, i've been having trouble finding things to creatively photograph, and because i like creatively photographing things, that's been kind of frustrating. as silly as it sounds, i start feeling really down when i'm not able to be creative. i'm not sure what that's about, but it seems to fit my personality. *shrugs*

i had a good idea for my introduction speech, so i'm going to be working on that. then again, i've also been having issues with procrastination. like, serious procrastination. so, even though i came up with the idea last night, this is actually the first time i've thought about my introduction. *headesk*

i have to get going (sleep is awesome, i'm discovering), but i just have to leave you with this video that i love.




there now. wasn't that sweet? :D

love to you all! remember, His love is yours.

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