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note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,
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God is on the move

A cry rises from the ground
As all the earth begins to shake
Can you feel the spirit move you?
Calling all hearts to wake

Life is rising from these graves
A voice breaks the silence
And warms the dying heart
Oh, this is just the start

'Cause we will open heavens
And well start the flame now
All the earth will shake now
As we scream Your name

Arise, heaven open wide
Passion filling every place
And now's the time
So let it move you
Cause something is about to break

We are falling on our face
Searching for movement
Give us fire in these days
Oh Spirit, lead the way

Hallelujah
Singing Hallelujah
Well cry out from our hearts now

(Open Heavens, Barlow Girl)

--

I had this song in my head the whole time we were praying as a family about the new year. I'm not sure why, but this song really stirs something in me. I guess it's because I really desire to be moved by the Spirit in ways I can't understand. As we were praying, I heard many things from God, but one of them was that Hallelujah should be our battle cry. To me, this means that we must be worshipful warriors (term borrowed from my pastor). I pray that I will be able to defend myself from the forces of evil, but that I will also be strong enough to kneel in worship to my King.

These are a few scattered thoughts about the new year, and really, I'm just typing what comes to mind next, so I don't expect anything to make sense. But the one conscious thought I can use to sum up this post is that God is on the move.
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