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note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,

who do you follow?

I want to be in the mountains right now. It's a place of solitude, of rest. I want to be in the quiet, away from just... life. Silence is truly a valued thing, I've learned, especially this week. There's been so much noise and chaos I can hardly feel myself think. Even right now, the sound of a vacuum reverberates in my ears. Sigh.

This has been a harder week. I feel like I've constantly been fighting spiritual battles. I'm getting worn down. In a way, it's interesting to be feeling like I'm in the midst of a battle, but the opposition feels so strong. Sometimes I feel like evil is pressing in on every side. I've found new meaning in the Psalms wrote about being surrounded. I've been trying to remember my spiritual armor (according to Ephesians 6), and that has helped, but I'm still trying to grasp the exact meaning of that. How do you put on spiritual armor? Is it an allegory or word picture? Or actual virtues that we can put into practice that shield us from evil? I'm not sure I really understand that concept... yet.

Tonight at church it became clear for me... what life and our walk with God are all about -- following Jesus. When Jesus called each of His disciples, He said, "Follow me." He didn't say, "Join the church," or "Do this, do that." He didn't even say, "Change your lifestyle." He said, "Follow me." He knew that once someone followed Him, Jesus would naturally become the focus of their lives. Their desires would fall into line with His, and thus reflect His heart. Our focus needs to be Jesus in order for everything else to be right. Christianity is not about figuring out what's right and wrong, it's about following Jesus and letting Him tweak our desires to fit into His plan. When He's our focus, everything else will fall into place. It's that simple.

So, tonight I became a Jesus Follower. I may have been one before, but this year, I'm determined to follow Him even more. I'm praying that He will be my one source, my leader, my guiding light... my King. I know He will be. This year, I want my focus to be Jesus... nothing else. I pray that He is yours too.

(Wow. That went in a totally different direction than I thought it would. It felt so awesome just to write, though. In a way, this blog has been very therapeutic. I know I already posted tonight, but that's bound to happen. I have too many thoughts spilling over. The beauty of journaling, and probably why I enjoy it so much is that there are no rules.)

Oh, one last note - I have my MRI on Monday. I've done one before so I'm not too worried, but maybe a little nervous. I would so appreciate your prayers!


  1. I'm so happy for you Sam! Thank you for reminding me that all I need to do is follow Him. He will take care of everything else.


  2. Wow, Skylee, this is great. I've been exploring this blog and I really like it. :-) Stay strong, girleen.

    Your Half-Pint


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