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note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,

Writing Is Like Toothpaste


You know what happens when you've almost used up all your toothpaste? The toothpaste bottle gets all gunky and stagnant, and you nearly burst a blood vessel by trying to squeeze it out. After pushing until your knuckles turn white, you only get a meager bit of toothpaste that drizzles out.

Yep, that's what's happening in my writing life right now.

It's not like I'm not writing. Thanks to Georgie's handy box of writing prompts, I've written three short stories. One of them is about fire and tulips, the other about a New Year's Eve party, and the most confusing is about forbidden spheres. However, when it comes to my current WIP, Silver Tears, I'm hitting a wall.

Again.

NaNo ended five days ago, and since then I've only written about 2,000 words. This is hard, especially when 2k was my average per day. Still, I've hit a point in my writing where whatever I wrote on my outline is vague, if there's anything written at all.

I, of course, could just write. That would be the simplest option, and would also be taking my own advice. But I'm trying to get over my inner-editor. You know, the one that says, You MUST have the first draft perfect. This writing stinks. You'll never write anything good.

Yep, that one.

Is duct tape an acceptable method of tying up my inner editor, critiquer, and all-around annoyance? On second thought, maybe I should just throw him in the closet.

At any rate, I'm hoping to get past this wall. Maybe I need a sledgehammer to knock it down. Either that, or maybe getting a grappling hook would help me climb over it.

You know how in my last post I said this quote?


You can't wait for inspiration to come to you.
You have to go after it with a sword.


I think I need a bigger sword.

{side note: I've always wondered... why is bouquet spelled with two u's? I can understand the one after the q, but the first u always gets me.}

Comments

  1. I agree entirely. I've been in/am in that spot now, as it happens. A very appropriate simile indeed. It's good to know that we can commiserate in pain, however! ;)

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