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note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,

Things I've Learned at 2 a.m.

What I do when

I'm too tired to fall asleep...

I write lists. About things I've learned at 2 a.m.

1. Sleep is elusive
2. It's probably dumb to drink even a small cup of caffeine before bed
3. Snoring can sound like multiple things, including a duck, a nasally voice, and a buzzer on one of those TV game shows.
4. It is extremely fun to sing and play guitar at the top of my lungs at 11 p.m.
5. Inspiration visits late at night, I've noticed.
6. I'm tired. Very tired.
7. Robes look a lot scarier in the dark.
8. If you scare yourself when you look in the mirror, it's probably a bad thing.
9. It's possible to be tired but simply unable to go to sleep. Believe me, I know.
10. Fuzzy pink reindeer pants are cute, but do not guarantee sleepiness.
11. Blog posts should not be written after 10 pm.
12. I should go live in Owl City. Get it? Night owl? Owl City, where all the owls live and everything? Oh never mind.

But when I look at the stars,
I feel like myself...


  1. Oh my word. I loved this. It made me wish I hadn't have fallen asleep so quickly last night. What would be even better is if we hadn't had been able to fall asleep and I was staying at your house. Then we could have written that awesome list together. ; )

  2. That was me last night! Of course, I started to read when I couldn't fall asleep... ;)

    Thank you for the sweet notes, NW sister! They made me smile and the Bible verses made me cry.

    Love & Hugs, Noelle

  3. Why thank you; I'm a big Casting Crowns fan. :)

    1, 5 & 9 are sooo true. As for 2, I've discovered that a cappuccino does nothing to help one get to sleep. ;)

    8,000? *stares in awe at the blog post* Wow.... I'd be exhausted. I got a case of post-NaNo literary brain fry when I finished Nano 2009. I don't think I read or wrote anything for 2 weeks, hehe. I didn't use Write or Die during NaNo, but I've been using for FFTT, and it's been really helpful.

    Cowriting does sound fun. I'm looking forward to writing what Mom and I are planning. We have pretty much the same thing in mind. It's the little details of the story that are hard to figure out. But it's getting there.

    Thanks! Designing covers is good when writer's block strikes. :) I'm bad at writing a pitch/synopsis for my stories, but I've got some up on the writing page now (toward the bottom). I'm working on some more of them. "Fight For The Throne" was the first non-fan fiction thing I wrote, so it's sort of my "baby", even though it's undergone a really big rewrite. It's still one of my pet projects though. It's a bit complex, so that might be why. "Under the November Moon" is sorta the same. It was my first attempt at writing a mystery, and I'm rather proud of it. "Beneath A Summer Sky" is all about the same characters, but they've matured, and it was really cool to see how that turned out. Even though I'd outlined both of them they took these huge turns all their own during writing. That was half the fun though! And I'd originally intended for UTNM to be a single book, but it's turned into a trilogy idea with a prequel; so it's also my first series.

    Thanks for following my blog, too! :)

    ~ Chy

  4. Mountie! Hello! :)

    This is Malkah! It has taken far too long to get over here, but oh my! Your blog is just LOVELY in every way! :D I will definitely be following and I'm excited to read more posts!

    And by the way, if you're applying for Owl City citizenship, I'll join you, sleep or no sleep. :D

    - Mal


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