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note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,

A Skyline Faded Blue

It's extremely rare for me to find a song that sums up exactly how I'm feeling at any given moment. But if I did have one for today or even recently, this would have to be it.
Not much for conversation
I still find need to pray
Sometimes I get tired of walking
Through these ordinary days
If nothing else I get to see you
Even if we never speak
The harm of words though sometimes
We don't quite know
What they really mean

So let me lay down in this field
And stare up at the sky
I hope the days and clouds turn into something as they pass us by
And maybe you could settle for a skyline faded blue
I hope that you might settle for this love I have for You

I don't know where
I don't know how
I don't know why
But your love can make
These things better
Your love can make these things better
Your love can make these things better
Your love can make these things better
[These Ordinary Days, Jars of Clay]
This song has consistently remained one of my favorites, and like a lot of other songs, it represents a certain moment in my life. It represents the moments where I don't necessarily feel close to God, or worthy of him, but where I know he loves me all the same. It's the moments where I'm in the valley but I'm still holding onto hope. It reminds me of the days where the skies may seem gray but in reality, a skyline faded blue isn't far away. And through it all, His love can make these things better.

When I listen to this song, I picture Jesus and I lying on the grass, staring up at the sky. Simply being together. And sometimes I picture myself alone; dreaming of the day when we'll be together. Forever and ever.

I can't wait for that day. But for now, I'll continue to walk through these ordinary days, with my head up in the clouds, dreaming of the day when every moment will be eternity. I'm looking forward to it.

(The pictures aren't mine, but I made them look awesome. In other words... I found the pictures here, and I edited them. ;)


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