Skip to main content


note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,

these are the days.

I'm plotting for Camp NaNo, as you know, and time is running out. So it was that I sat down at my computer with renewed fervor to attack the plot holes that are bothering me and never let them see the light of day. One of these said plot holes regards a character's death. This character dies before the events of the novel, but her death is incredibly influential to the plot and the characters. I knew she died, I just didn't know how. So I was talking to Fin, having a morbid conversation as we sometimes do, and she suggested poison.

This intrigued me. It seemed to have a lot of possibilities. So I opened a new tab and, blissfully unaware of what I was typing, started tapping away at the keyboard.

And then I stopped.

And stared.

And realized what a weird search term this was.

See for yourself.

These are the days where I feel awesome because I'm a writer.


  1. LOL, it's a writerly thing - our Google search histories would probably be enough to get us all arrested at a drop of a hat.

    One of my worst was: "methods of vivisection with a blunt instrument", "effects of ringworm", "maximum blood loss before death" and "symptoms of criminal insanity".

    Yep ... writers are awesome ... and a bit scary xD

    1. Ohhh yes. We writers can be very scary. Those search terms would be enough to strike fear into the heart of any mere mortal. ;)

      I think it should be a disclaimer on our blogs and social networking profiles: "I am a writer. Fear me." That would also make a good t-shirt.

  2. Accidentally? That could be difficult. When I was a child and had to wake my mother up in the night to give me medicine, I was always a little apprehensive that she wasn't quite awake and might give me the wrong thing or too large a dosage. There's at least one idea. But that's a horrible thing to have happen. I have to poison someone purposefully. Two people, actually: bit of a tit-for-tat, as it were. Such fun.

    1. Oh, that's a great idea! Ironically, I also had the same fear, haha. I'm glad I'm not alone there.

      Yes, yes, I know. Poisoning someone accidentally is proving to be difficult. I'll figure it out, I'm sure. As morbid as it sounds, it can be fun to plot the demise of your characters and think of unique ways for them to die.

      Oh man, now I'm really saying strange things.

  3. hahah. that's hilarious. good luck figuring that one out. ;]

    1. Ha! Thanks. This little plot twist is proving to be difficult, albeit interesting.

      Thanks for commenting!

  4. Poison is always a very nice touch. I have a plot idea involving a missing queen, a mad king, a street thief and some very deadly poison.

    Authors really are scary people. Like discussing how you are going to kill a person. You sound like some kind of violent murderer, but really. Who wants to read a book where everything goes right and no one gets hurt?

    As for a way to poison accidentally, what about bad shellfish? Very nasty. Yet who'd know? (Especially if it's an old-fashioned/historical/medieval-fantasy book. These days, that might not work so well.) Hope that helped. ;)

    1. That sounds like an extremely interesting plot! That would be fun to read (and write, I'm sure).

      Ha, I know. We are so very scary. And you're so right! Who wants to read a book where nobody dies and everything's perfect? I sure don't. I mean, yes, those kinds of books are okay when I just want to relax and not think about anything. But when it comes to the kinds of books I love, I absolutely adore adventure, mystery, and intrigue.

      Ooh. Shellfish. That's a good one! This is a sci-fi novel, but I was actually thinking the poison could be related to food somehow. (Like mushrooms.) Shellfish would be a really good candidate as well; I like it a lot. Thanks so much for the suggestion!

  5. Ah. This wonderful post of yours was very "writerly". I see you published this a month ago---and I'm just now reading it. But you had me laughing aloud at your online searching for "poison". And I can't help sharing this quote I just read the other day in Little Women. It's talking about Jo, the writer... "She excited the suspicions of public librarians by asking for works on poisons..."

    YES! See? That sounds very much like what you were doing, so I had to share it. :~D

    Have a great day, my scribbling friend!

    1. Ah, thank you, dear Tarissa! I'm glad I could make you laugh! That quote is hilarious, and so very true. XD It echoes my situation perfectly! Thank you so much for sharing and making me smile.

      And the same to you, my fellow scribe! :D


Post a Comment

Comments make the world go 'round... or was that chocolate?

Thank you for stopping by! I read every single comment and love them all. Seriously, it makes my day. I do my best to comment back!

My only rule is basic respect and honor. Disagreement is accepted, but hate and trolling is not. Otherwise, say what you need to say, and have fun. And don't forget to grab a free complimentary mint on your way out.

Popular Posts