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note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,

a handful of sunshine-colored memories.

I keep my knees black and blue 
'Cuz they often hit the hardwood floor
{Wake me if you're out there.}
And I believe so I'm not praying to the ceiling 

- Owl City, Angels

I don't really know what the purpose of this post is. I just feel inspired to write.

I've been caught up in memories of the past. Wanting to take hold of them and never let them go. I look back on my past with rose-tinted glasses (most of the time). Wondering, why was my life so perfect back then? Why can't I go back to last summer?

Or with novels: Why was my NaNo novel so easy? It was perfect. And now, while I'm trying to plot for my Camp NaNo novel, why is it so dang hard?

Why can't my life stay the same?

It's hard for me to remember that those memories happened unintentionally. And the only way I can hold onto those memories is to create new ones. I wasn't trying to have a good summer. It happened when I wasn't looking for it. And that's the way it has to be this year, too. And the year after that.

I can't force my life to be wonderful. It just happens. It will happen when I don't understand why, or how, my life is so good. And maybe it won't be perfect. Last summer had its own flaws. But maybe that's what makes the beautiful moments seem so wonderful in my mind. 

I did have a rough summer. A rough year last year. But I still have a handful of sunshine colored-memories. I had my ups and my downs.

And yet at the same time, I'm struggling with how to balance this all out. I don't really even know what I'm trying to say. I feel like I'm painting an unrealistic picture for you all. My life is... hard. Seriously. It is. I've been unsure of how to say this for a while now. I think I've mentioned this a couple times before, but I'd just like to say it now, officially: I have chronic pain. It's called fibromyalgia. This means that I have pain and fatigue nearly 100% of the time. I struggle every day to do things that "normal" people don't have a problem with. I don't remember what it's like to be pain-free. 

I don't really say this to get sympathy. Yes, it is nice to have your encouragement and support. But I'm mainly saying it to get it off my chest. To be completely honest with you and tell you about who I am offline and what I struggle with. I've got tears in my eyes because this is such a personal thing and I'm afraid to post it.

So, I don't know how to do this whole life thing. As I wrote in my journal last night, I don't want to think of my life as perfect, even though I sometimes do. I don't want to forget about my struggles amidst the sunshine-colored memories. Because life is hard. And sometimes it's going to stink. But I don't want to look at my life negatively either. Because life is pretty amazing, when you look at it. And we have to take the good moments and keep them in our pockets for the rainy days that are bound to come. It's a balance, I guess. Learning to take the good and the bad.

The shadow proves the sunshine. That's a Switchfoot song. It was recently brought to my attention by the title of a good friend's Tumblr. I still need to listen to the actual song in its entirety. But it's the title itself that speaks to me. Darkness has to happen for us to appreciate the light.

Sometimes I hate my life. Sometimes I love it. But those are just my feelings. My feelings can't rule my life. Life may not feel good, but it is good. God may not always feel good, but He is. 

Now I just need to remember this myself when times get hard.


  1. this is amazing. thank you so much for being so honest.

    love you girl! <3

  2. Mmmm yes. I have Bursitis in my knees. It pains me at least once a day, and we don't know yet whether mine is curable. Apparently, weak joints is hereditary on my Dad's side. But I've never thought of my life as hard. Sure, I can't climb up hills, can't stand for 15 minutes without nearly collapsing. But I feel ya, Dear!

    1. Oh, wow. I feel for you there. It's actually good to know I'm not alone with the struggle against pain! There are so few teens I know that actually can relate to what I deal with. I can't stand for 15 minutes either -- if that. And climbing hills... ha... yeah. Not going to happen either. So you're not alone! *hugs* And thank you so much for reminding me that I'm not alone, either.

  3. Forsooth, good maiden, I say verily thou art brave enough to make the lion weep.

    Life's not always a bucket of roses, but it sounds to me like you're just the person to realise that and push on anyway - after all, if you have a handful of sunshine-coloured memories now, there's bound to be a lorry-full waiting for you in the future.

    That which does not kill you had better run pretty damn fast, after all ;)

    1. Ah, thank you, my fair companion. 'Tis good to hear these words. They matter much to my broken soul. Hehe. ;)

      No, seriously, thank you. That means a lot to me!

  4. Your honesty in this post is inspiring. Thank you :)

    1. Oh, thank you ever so much. <3 Being honest does not come easily to me, but I want to be authentic and real. I so appreciate your comments & friendship, J.C.! Thank you tons. :)

  5. *Hug*

    I like to remember the sunshine, and while I don't forget the dark spots, I don't always actively try to remember them. Sometiems I forget until someone reminds me. But I don't dwell. I like my sunshine, though I'm well aware it would burn my up in an instant without darkness... *grins* I'll stop babbling now.

    1. *hugs back* Thanks for commenting, Cathryn Leigh! Ahaha, very good point about burning up without darkness. I like that! Sunshine is a very, very good thing, is it not?

  6. This was a wonderful post and truly encouraging.

    I have a lot of health problems myself. I know exactly what it's like to struggle doing things "normal" people do daily. I also know having to live like that is hard.

    Sometimes I forget how beautiful life really is. It's so easy to fall into that darkness. But then God shows me a little bit of sunshine, even a smidgen of it, to remind me He's still here, He still has beautiful plans for my life. I just have to hold on to that sunshine.

    He has the same for you. Even though life is hard, and sometimes it's difficult to find the beautiful things, they're there. God has beautiful plans for all our lives. We just have to hold on to that sunshine, that hope, no matter how dark it gets.

    It's the times of brokenness that make us beautiful. Life is God's glorious adventure for His children. Hold on to that sunshine, He has amazing plans for you.

    1. Oh, my, Lauriloth. This is... beautiful. It made me want to cry. "It's the times of brokenness that makes us beautiful." I love that. So, so, much. Thank you for bringing words of hope into my life -- I can never thank you enough. I seriously need to print these words out and frame them -- they are THAT powerful. God greatly used you to speak into my life and put salve on my heart & soul. Thank you ever so much for letting Him work through you.

      I would love to dialogue with you about health problems if you'd like. We may not struggle with the same symptoms, but any type of health problem is insanely difficult. And it's wonderful to have support for the journey. Just feel free to email me if you want -- mountainfireflower[at]gmail[dot]com.

  7. That was terrific and beautiful.

  8. Sky, I admire you so much for looking at all the good, sunshine-y moments through all the pain you have to endure. I have a great aunt with fibromyalgia and I can see in her face just how awful it is!

    With God's help, we can make the most of hard times, and learn from them, even though that's easier said than done. ((James 1:2-3)

    1. Aw, thank you for the comment, Ellyn. Ah, yes. It's good to know that you know what I'm talking about -- at least to some extent.

      Thank you so much! Yes, it's definitely easier said than done, but I'm praying that God helps me to see the blessing in the pain & heartache... and to hold onto my sunshine-colored moments as much as I can.

      Thanks again for sharing your thoughts on this, I really appreciate it.


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