note to self: i’ll be there for you, always
written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,
Hehe, growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.
ReplyDeleteBe yourself - everyone else is already taken.
.... and I'm just repeating everything you just said.
So unoriginal.
Anywho, I approve highly of this here post, and will drag myself back to my textbooks now :P
Oh, I loved your sayings. Don't worry, I didn't think 'twas unoriginal at all. I especially like the growing old/growing up one, I don't think I've ever heard that one. Thanks for commenting, I always enjoy hearing what you have to say!
DeleteTextbooks. Eugh. Gotta love school, eh?
*hugs* It is a hard realization to come to, but your friendships will be stronger for it. It's an amazing thing to be accepted for who you are.
ReplyDeleteI've been one who's never been able to fit in. At least not until i was about your age, actually, when I found people who were more like me than the 'normal' crowd.
Since then, despite it being hard and scary and sometimes painful (as you said) life had definitely gotten better. :}
Aw, thank you. Your thoughts mean a lot to me. I appreciate what you said very much. *hugs*
DeleteYes, it's a high and lofty calling, this whole... not-being-normal thing. Lonely, too. But it's always good to find people who are weird too, and thankfully I've been able to find a few of those. ;)
Thank you, I'm glad to hear it gets better! :)
I'm actually glad to hear this, Sky. On rare occasions (but it happens) one runs across girls your age who are digging in their heels and not wanting to "grow up." I'm twenty-one: I just went through the "growing up" stage, and I won't sugar-coat it and tell you that it really isn't all that hard. It is hard. Childhood and the dreams and thoughts of childhood sink deep into us, and "putting away childish things" can sometimes rip things out of the deeps of us. It can be really hard. It can really hurt. But what I can tell you is that the horrible growing up process does stop one day and you find yourself comfortably yourself as an adult, different from the child, but hopefully a better sort of different.
ReplyDeleteMaturity and intelligence are things in which we grow all the time. Childhood, in some ways, we put behind us; but if Chesterton has taught me anything, it is that the truths and clear-sightedness of childhood can be kept. Be honest and true and grow in the Lord, and you will always be yourself. No one promised that it would be pleasant, but it will certainly be right.
Oh, well, don't let this post deceive you too much. While I'm trying to embrace it, I still have my qualms about growing up. And I am digging in my heels a fair bit. But I can't avoid the inevitable.
DeleteThanks for the encouragement. I do appreciate what you had to say -- it won't be pleasant, but it will be right. That's a wonderful way of looking at it, and it gives me hope for my future as well. Thank you for taking the time to write out such a long and eloquent comment; it means a lot to me that you would do that.