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note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,

let your colors burn.

Let your colors burn 
And brightly burst 
Into a million sparks 
That all disperse 
And illuminate a world 
 That will try to bring you down 
But not this time

-- Shooting Star by Owl City

The other day the realization hit me with the weight of a freight train carrying a load of bricks.

Holy crap. I'm growing up.

Let me try to explain. I turned sixteen last month, and with that, I've been learning a lot lately, hence the growing up part. Little did I know that this was what growing up feels like. It's hard, scary, and downright painful.

Anyway. One of the biggest lessons is that I've realized that I can't care what other people think of me. I have to be me.

For some of you, this may not be a huge realization. But for me, it is. I've always tried to be the one to fit in, even to the point of changing myself to gain acceptance, over the course of several friendships. Was that right? Heck no. But for the past fifteen years, it's been the reality. My reality.

This year, God and I have been talking. He's been working on my heart. He's been leading me to realize that it's okay to be me. Because honestly, who else would I be? I have to be okay with being honest and open about where I'm at. Embracing the imperfections. And being confident in myself enough to be who I am and not care about what others think. I'm letting my colors burn.

This hasn't been easy. I've lost a lot through this process. I'm constantly hounded by the Enemy of my soul who desires to kill my light. But not this time.

Lately, this thought has been burned into my mind and heart: I am wonderful and accepted just the way I am. It rocked my world. Though I'm a perfectionist and people-pleaser, I've been learning to just let go and live my life. I may be a mess. I'm far from perfect.

But I am loved.

And I have to let my colors burn.

 And illuminate a world 
 That will try to bring you down 
 But not this time.

(Thank you, Owl City, once again, for providing these beautiful lyrics.)


  1. Hehe, growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.

    Be yourself - everyone else is already taken.

    .... and I'm just repeating everything you just said.
    So unoriginal.

    Anywho, I approve highly of this here post, and will drag myself back to my textbooks now :P

    1. Oh, I loved your sayings. Don't worry, I didn't think 'twas unoriginal at all. I especially like the growing old/growing up one, I don't think I've ever heard that one. Thanks for commenting, I always enjoy hearing what you have to say!

      Textbooks. Eugh. Gotta love school, eh?

  2. *hugs* It is a hard realization to come to, but your friendships will be stronger for it. It's an amazing thing to be accepted for who you are.

    I've been one who's never been able to fit in. At least not until i was about your age, actually, when I found people who were more like me than the 'normal' crowd.

    Since then, despite it being hard and scary and sometimes painful (as you said) life had definitely gotten better. :}

    1. Aw, thank you. Your thoughts mean a lot to me. I appreciate what you said very much. *hugs*

      Yes, it's a high and lofty calling, this whole... not-being-normal thing. Lonely, too. But it's always good to find people who are weird too, and thankfully I've been able to find a few of those. ;)

      Thank you, I'm glad to hear it gets better! :)

  3. I'm actually glad to hear this, Sky. On rare occasions (but it happens) one runs across girls your age who are digging in their heels and not wanting to "grow up." I'm twenty-one: I just went through the "growing up" stage, and I won't sugar-coat it and tell you that it really isn't all that hard. It is hard. Childhood and the dreams and thoughts of childhood sink deep into us, and "putting away childish things" can sometimes rip things out of the deeps of us. It can be really hard. It can really hurt. But what I can tell you is that the horrible growing up process does stop one day and you find yourself comfortably yourself as an adult, different from the child, but hopefully a better sort of different.

    Maturity and intelligence are things in which we grow all the time. Childhood, in some ways, we put behind us; but if Chesterton has taught me anything, it is that the truths and clear-sightedness of childhood can be kept. Be honest and true and grow in the Lord, and you will always be yourself. No one promised that it would be pleasant, but it will certainly be right.

    1. Oh, well, don't let this post deceive you too much. While I'm trying to embrace it, I still have my qualms about growing up. And I am digging in my heels a fair bit. But I can't avoid the inevitable.

      Thanks for the encouragement. I do appreciate what you had to say -- it won't be pleasant, but it will be right. That's a wonderful way of looking at it, and it gives me hope for my future as well. Thank you for taking the time to write out such a long and eloquent comment; it means a lot to me that you would do that.


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