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note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,

My Year of Firsts: 2015 → 2016

I can't believe it's the end of another year, another chapter in my life. 2015 was so, so full. Full of tears, laughter, joy, adventures... and a whole lotta love. (Okay, I'll try to tone down the sap for this post.)

Here's a rundown of what went down. (See what I did there?)

  • I started watching The Walking Dead even though I swore I never would.
  • I detailed my writing process on the blog.
  • Sorry, I'm lame. I don't even remember what happened last January. Except it involved taking at least one selfie.
  • I grieved the death of Leonard Nimoy.
  • I saw Celtic Thunder's "best of" concert, which included my first time seeing Damian McGinty live. I've loved this band (and Damian) since I was thirteen or fourteen, so it was a big deal.
  • I reminisced about seeing Owl City live in concert.
  • Someone crashed their car through our fence. Everyone was okay, but it was eventful.
Mom & I at Celtic Thunder


  • We relaunched The Fangirl Initiative with a domain name, a new design, and a giveaway
  • I scouted more graduation party locations (and found one!)
  • I took my senior pictures in a giant field of grass (something that was an unspoken item on my bucket list).
  • I turned 19! I got an iPod to replace my slightly-broken one, and we watched Divergent.

  • I'm lame here, too. I don't remember what happened. But there was a lot of rain and graduation planning.

  • I graduated!
  • I got my permit (finally).
  • We had to hospitalize our cat, Tux, who was diagnosed with kidney failure. He was sent home to be on IV fluids, and we got a few more months with him.

  • Our desktop computer caught on fire. We were fine, but it was a wild day.
  • I tried to read more, with mixed results.
  • I did a glaze to turn my hair red, completing an item on my bucket list.
  • I finished Because I'm Irish's first rewrite
  • I finished Petrichor's first draft.

  • I bought my first flannel shirt, which was the best decision I ever made.
  • I began recapping Daredevil on The Fangirl Initiative.
  • I finally got Further Up and Further In a domain name after blogging since 2006

  • I got my second earlobe piercing.
  • I visited Oregon.
  • I saw the ocean for the first time.

  • I started recapping Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. on The Fangirl Initiative.
  • I came up with the idea for Leo Andromedus
  • I met an old blogging friend, Gianna, who is lovely and amazing and truly a gift.
  • I got introduced to a whole new social atmosphere (aka I got a social life)
  • Started working with Libero Network
  • I said goodbye to my first pet and one of my best friends, Tuxedo Max.
  • I dressed up as Jemma Simmons for Halloween.


  • My grandpa Bob passed away unexpectedly. I still don't know what to say about this. I'm so sad but also so happy that he's where he's supposed to be. Bittersweet.
  • I saw Star Wars: The Force Awakens and IT WAS SO GOOD.
  • We had Christmas, which was sad but still really good.

Almost every month, I'd create a monthly playlist. This is the certain collection of songs that got me through 2015. Let it serve as a representation of what 2015 was like (and also how varied my music tastes are).

It's been a full year. One mostly full of firsts. I saw the ocean for the first time. I graduated high school. I drove a car for the first time. I lost my first pet. I lost my first grandfather. I tried rewriting a novel for the first time.

So many firsts. So many learning experiences. So much. Just... so much. That's how I'd describe 2015. (So much, such wow.)

How was your 2015?


  1. Looks like you had a super eventful year. A mix of good and bad, it's nice to see that you were able to weather the storms. I'm going to start watching,'The Walking Dead' as well. Tux looks just like my cat, and that makes me really sad. You definitely accomplished more than I did, I applaud you. I hope next year treats you well :D

    1. Thanks so much, Skye! Ooh, let me know what you think of The Walking Dead! I think it's definitely on my list of all-time favorite shows.

      Aw, I'm sorry it made you sad! I'm sure your cat is adorable. I love cats SO much.

      Honestly, I accomplished a lot of these things by accident, so I wouldn't feel too bad. :) I had no idea this would be such a big year--a lot of it surprised me.

      Thanks so much for stopping by and the well wishes! I hope 2016 is awesome for you! Happy New Year!

  2. Congrats on the amazing year! Graduating high school is such a huge deal. I remember being so excited for all the amazing things to come. Also, I'm looking forward to listening to your playlist as soon as I'm done writing this comment.

    Hope 2016 is even better!

    1. Thanks, Sunny! I know, it's kind of amazing/terrifying all at the same time! Thanks for listening to the playlist! I hope you have an amazing 2016. Happy New Year!

  3. Oh wow! You've had a full year for sure. I'm so sorry for all the hardships you've had. I know it's been tough. But it looks like God has blessed you with many rainbows through the storms as well.

    Loved seeing all your pics. Your senior picture is GORGEOUS!

    Goodness, it's been quite a year, hasn't it? I hope you have a much better and absolutely beautiful 2016! *hugs*

    1. Definitely. It's been a hard but still beautiful year. Thank you so much for the compliment, well wishes, and stopping by to leave a comment! I hope you have an amazing 2016. *hugs back* We're going to rock this! ♥

  4. Wow, sounds like you had a pretty intense year! I need details on this desktop catching fire, sounds like a good story. I'm so sorry to hear about your grandfather and cat, hope you're doing well. <3

    I'm so excited because you have some of my favorite songs and bands in your playlist! Hope next year is just as exciting with a few less bumps! =)

    1. Oh my gosh, okay. So... I was sitting at the desk when I heard this popping noise. I looked down and the wire was sparking and sending a tall flame into the air. I started yelling for my mom (because of course moms can fix all things), but by the time she got up here, the fire had fizzled out. (And thank goodness for that, because fire and I are not friends.) I guess our electrical cord (which had tape on it and was already pretty faulty) finally gave out and decided to go out with a bang. ;)

      Ooh, what favorite songs and bands? We must talk music!

      Thanks so much for stopping by and leaving a comment! I hope your new year is as good as can possibly be. :) ♥

  5. Wow that is a totally eventful year...sorry for all the sad things though. *hugs you* *feeds you fangirl cake* But YAY for seeing the ocean (omg, I grew up with the ocean so I can't even imagine not having seen it for so long! ;D) and such successes with the Fangirl Initiative blog and your writing and afjdksla I just hope next year is equally awesome for you!! YAYY!!

    1. AHHH fangirl cake!!! My favorite! Oh my gosh, yes. I'm in Colorado, which is totally landlocked. It's so sad not to live near the water! Seeing the ocean for the first time was one of the best experiences of my life, honestly. Thank you so much! I hope it's awesome too--and I hope your 2016 is too! Can't wait to see what new adventures it holds for both of us. :D

  6. What a year! And so many firsts! You crushed 2015! Crushed it!! The best first of my year was seeing a Star Wars film in theaters:) I wasn't into it when Episodes 1-3 were in theaters (I was busy obsessing over Lord of the Rings). Happy New Year!

    1. Oh my gosh, thanks, Adelyn! That made my day.

      YES. This was my first year seeing Star Wars in theaters as well. (I was around when episode 3 came out, but it was a little too intense for me to see in theaters at the time.) I LOVED seeing a Star Wars movie in theater--I got chills when the opening sequence started. It was SO worth it, and it definitely felt like I was making history, even if it's my own personal history. :) Thanks so much for stopping by and leaving a comment! Happy New Year! ♥

  7. Wow. This was a heavy year for you. *hugs* But let this year make you stronger. Yay for second earlobe piercings! I have those and a cartilage piercing! Yay for wicked earring combinations. ^ ^


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