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note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,

my paper heart

So here's what's going on with me.

I've hit my very rock bottom. And it's kind of a good place to be.

Because sometimes, when you hit rock bottom, that's when you can come back up again. That's when you can heal.

I've sustained a lot of grief, wounds, and trauma in my lifetime. I've lost a lot of friends. I've felt abandoned and rejected more than once. When I was nine, two family friends lost their children in the same year. I also lost a friend in a very sudden and traumatic way this year, and it's all come to a breaking point.

And I'm realizing that I never fully dealt with that. All of it.

So here I am, at the age of sixteen, having all this pain and grief resurface. It's a pretty horrible place to be. I'm glad that I can start to heal now, but that doesn't mean it isn't pretty hellish in the meantime.

See, the way I am is that I don't want to hurt people. Trust me, that's the last thing I want. So somewhere along the line I decided that it would be better to hurt myself by keeping everything inside of me than by hurting other people by letting it out.

My heart is a house that's full of a bunch of trash.

And it's time to clean it out.

So this is my journey of hope, of life, of love. Of pain and tears and suffering.

And hopefully, of healing.

This is me. Broken paper heart and all.

I hope you can be gentle with me during this time. Treat me gently. Trust me, it will mean the world.

Because after all, dreams and people break so easily. So do hearts.

Please be careful with mine.

I wish I could cross my arms, and cross your mind
Cause I believe you'd unfold your paper heart and wear it on your sleeve
I wish I had covered all my tracks completely cause I'm so afraid
Is that the light at the far end of the tunnel or just the train?
Lift your arms only heaven knows, where the danger grows
And it's safe to say there's a bright light up ahead and help is on the way
I forget the last time I felt brave, I just recall insecurity
Cause it came down like a tidal wave, and sorrow swept over me
Then I was given grace and love, I was blind but now I can see
Cause I found a new hope from above, and courage swept over me
It hurts just to wake up, whenever you're wearing thin
Alone on the outside, so tired of looking in
The end is uncertain and I've never been so afraid
But I don't need a telescope to see that there's hope
And that makes me feel brave.


  1. I LOVE YOU.

    I treasure you. your heart and very soul. Its more than beautiful. I pray that I would be the friend God wants me to be to you, especially right now.

    praying for you always. Let God's love wash over you and heal every part.

    <3 <3

  2. Rock bottom is truly an awful place to be. Feeling for you! I understand the hurting yourself so you don't hurt others very well. It sucks. Work through this! You can do it.

    And PS the blog looks very nice. Love the colours.

  3. Keep Romans 8:28 in mind:

    "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

  4. Oh, Sky. I feel for you. I know I've posted the lyrics to a song on one of your posts before (that may or may not have helped), but I think I will again; because God feels your pain, whether you realize it or not. He has placed you in situations like this for a reason.

    "Making a list of all of the good things You've done for me.
    Lord, I've never been one to complain.
    But right now I'm lost, and I can't find my way.
    My world's come apart, and it's breaking my heart,
    but it helps to know that Your heart is breaking too,

    When I cry, You cry,
    when I hurt, You hurt,
    when I've lost someone,
    it takes a piece of You too,
    when I fall on my face,
    You fill me with grace.
    Cause nothing breaks Your heart,
    or tears You apart, like when I cry..."

    Sky, I don't know if this helps, or if it's what you wanted to hear, but I thought I'd share it to you in hopes it will comfort you and help you feel God's presence around you. Don't ever lose faith that God is there and watching over you and simply loving you to the depths that only He can love.

    Love in Christ,

    P.s. The song is 'When I Cry' by Marshall Hall (on iTunes it's as Marsh Hall, however, if you want to look it up). Praying for you, Sky! :)

  5. This post really made me sad. I've lost friends, too. But what you have went through is truly terrible. :(

    I'll keep you in my prayers. Stay strong! God loves you. :)

  6. My respect for your holding in the pain for the sake of others is huge; it's a very big thing to do, though it may not always be the right thing. You've done so well to cope.

    And don't forget - I'm sure I speak for many here when I say we're all more than happy to listen to you, or give you advice, or just be around for you, whenever you need us.

    Hugs and cuddles to you from me.

  7. I cannot express how much this breaks my heart to hear you've hit rock bottom, because I've been there myself, very recently, and I know how much it hurts. But God has been pulling me up, and the higher I climb, the more beautiful my outlook on things have become. Sometimes, more often than not really, it is the hardest times that become the most wonderful.

    I am praying for you, Sky. I pray that your climb will always be up now, that it will be a beautiful climb and you will heal. Remember God will forever be at your side, lending you the hand you need to climb up that rocky ridge.

    I'm always here for you if you ever need to talk.

    Many prayers and hugs. <3

  8. Um, this is an old-ish post, but I thought I'd comment.
    When I was fifteen, my best friend was my cousin. We lived in the same neighborhood, went to the same church, and did everything together. Same movies, same books, same friends, same outings. We probably slept over each other's houses twice a month. And all in one day, without a word, she and her mom moved out of my uncle's house.
    There's a lot of journey tied into that - stuff I missed beforehand, and paths I and my family and my church all had to take. It's been a hard couple of years. But I'm telling you this because God is faithful. He does help you heal. And I've been there, even if it's only a small measure compared to what you're going through. I don't know. But I love you.


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