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note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,

A Tale of Toenails

(This story took place yesterday, July 18th, 2011, around 6 p.m. It is absolutely, painfully true. It's also a painful memory to recall, and I winced several times while writing this post.)

I pick up my plate and head into the kitchen after a yummy meal cooked by none other than my mother. My brother and my mom respectively are both in the kitchen. That's when disaster happens.

I don't know how it happens, but somehow I trip over my brother's foot. As it happens, I snag my fourth toenail on the top of his foot. This toenail has never grown in right and always sticks out awkwardly, so it's no surprise that I whacked it on something - again. I've done it many times before.

It hurts more than usual, but I don't really notice. I mean, I hit my brother's foot really hard, so why shouldn't it hurt? I return to my duties in the kitchen. 

"Who's bleeding?" My mom gasps and points to the tile below my feet.

There is blood on the floor.

Realization hits me. So that's why my foot hurts worse than usual!

My fourth toe is covered in blood. Why? I don't know, only that my brother must have a really hard foot. 

Long story short, we wrapped my foot in a rag, then went in to show it to my dad. After a long deliberation, we decided that yes, the toenail was coming off, and yes, we needed to get it taken care of, and no, I did not want to do it at home by ourselves. So we headed off to urgent care. That ended up being an adventure in and of itself...

Stay tuned for part 2.


  1. Oh, ow! I literally said, "Oh, ew!" loud... but seriously, OUCH! I'm always wacking my toes on things, but thankfully haven't lost a nail!

  2. WOW! I hate it when that happens. Because I dance, weird foot things are happening a lot, but they usually aren't blood related. Ugh, how painful.


  3. Oh my goodness! Ouch!! I hope that your toenail feels better. I hate nail-related injuries; they're so painful! Hope you feel better.



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