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note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,

Awkwardly Awesome, Part Two


1. Earlier tonight, I went with my mom and brother to the grocery store. The air around here has been really smoky because of the recent fire in New Mexico, so my brother and I resolved that we would hold our breath, all the way from the car into the store. It went fine when we walked in. When I was walking out, however, I made a loud, exaggerated motion of holding my breath - puffing out my cheeks, the whole bit. I did this, only to see another teenage girl as soon as I walked around the corner. Yeah. I bet I made a good impression.

2. Last night, I realized that I have a roll of toilet paper in my room and couldn't remember why. (Afterwards, I remembered that I was using it in place of tissues, so don't worry. It's not that awkward.)

3. I accidentally broke a rule in a game on the Narnia forum I moderate... even though I am a moderator and enforce the rules. Don't worry, I do follow the rules... most of the time. I'm only human.

4. At the same grocery store, a country song started playing over the radio, and I randomly started to sing along. (It was "I'll Stand by You", by Carrie Underwood.) My mom looked at me and asked me where on earth I'd heard that song. I still don't know, but somehow, I knew all the lyrics. :P

5. This conversation took place right before we had company this evening: 
Mom: Did you brush your hair yet?
Me: I brushed it. Whether I got it to look nice is debatable.
Mom: There's a piece sticking straight up.
Me: I know. I can't get it to go down.
(Thank God for bobby pins.)


1. The new music video for Deer in the Headlights.

2. Thanks to the stormy weather earlier, I got to wear my Converse earlier for the first time this summer.

3. Yesterday, I officially submitted Reese's Pieces to CreateSpace so that I can get my free proof copy. This morning, I got the email that it shipped. I'm so excited! I'll be sure to post pictures when it arrives.

4. I got to eat vanilla ice cream tonight. Life is good.

5. Characters that make me smile. Yes, I have new ones since I last posted. Is that not sad? My brain just does not stop.

6. I got to play Wii sports last night with several of my closest friends. :) It was fun. And yes, I beat them soundly at archery a round or two. ;)

7. God's grace that, even though I lazed around and had a bad headache today, makes me feel like I did something just by being with Him.

8. My awesome friends. :)

9. This picture:
(click here for part one of Awkwardly Awesome.)


  1. What is CreateSpace? I've seen it on several blogs today and I'm curious, :)

  2. I liked the awkward section best. ;) I thought it was funny. And I think you're adorable. <3

  3. Hehe, not too long ago I had a roll of tp in my room to use in place of tissues. I took it out because I weirded out every time I glanced over and saw it. ;)

  4. Awesome post ;) Speaking of Adam's new music vid, I officially do NOT dig him with facial hair XD XD

  5. This is what I think. Will Scarlet should make it on the list, and he should be both awkward AND awesome.


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