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note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,
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the end of a decade

Wow. Today is the last day of 2009. It seems like only yesterday I was welcoming in the new year... and now I'm welcoming in a new decade. Life is going by so fast, and it's almost bittersweet to see how much everyone around me is growing up. My younger brother has already passed me up at age 10. My younger sister is looking more and more mature every day.

I've formed some friendships that have lasted a year or more. When I look back it feels like it's been much longer than that, yet I wonder where the time is gone and how it is that I've known them so long.

I know that I myself have changed, although these changes are less obvious. One thing I am happy about is how much closer I feel to God than I did at the end of 2008. My ears are more in tune to His voice, and I'm more excited to learn more about Him and His plan. And I love Him more, if that's even possible.

I don't even know the word to describe what I feel right now about how fast time has gone by. It's not sorrow, but maybe it's... wistfulness? I am very excited to see what this new year will bring however, especially since I can't wait to grow deeper in my relationship with Jesus.

So, on that note, goodbye 2009. Hello 2010!
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