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note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,

in the valley

Every one of us has our downpoints. It's a fact of life. We can't have mountains without valleys, and unfortunately the valleys tend to outnumber the high places. Life is all about growing deeper in our relationship with God, and learning to cling to Him when things get rough... although it's never easy.

The different paths God has placed each of us on are truly incredible...but they can be incredibly difficult sometimes. I don't pretend to be very experienced, but I have had several experiences that have proved God's faithfulness again and again.

It's only easy for me to see the purpose of those experiences now that I'm out of those particular valleys. When I'm in the midst of rough times, my perspective can be (and usually is) very different. I can't see the full picture. Even on top of the mountains, I may not understand. What I do know is that God is in control. At those times where we can only guess at what He's doing, the only thing we can hold fast to is that he does have a plan.

If you're reading this, you're most likely a close friend of mine or a family member, and you're going through struggles too. No matter how big or small your hardships may be, they are there. You may be in a mountain or a valley, but regardless, our troubles never completely disappear.

I've noticed that in blogging, most of us (myself included) only write about when we're on the mountains. I personally am a naturally reserved person so I don't feel comfortable sharing about most of my struggles. Then I realized that's withholding a whole other side of my life, and that "honest blogging" is a very rare but needed thing.

I decided yesterday that I want to try my hand at writing honestly, but I know it's easier said than done. On this blog, I've created a more private environment where I can feel more comfortable saying what I mean. While I won't gossip or say anything that I might regret, I will be more honest and open about what's really happening in my life.

I only know one, maybe two honest bloggers, and I appreciate their posts more than they know. I don't know about anyone else, but I really do want to read the honest and authentic posts about reality and hardship, because they help me see that I'm not alone. By reading this blog, I hope you'll get a greater idea of who I am, and I hope that maybe you won't feel so alone either.

This is my true journey... further up and further in.


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