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note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,
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life is a gift like fresh cut flowers.

(I haven't been sure how to write this post for a while now. As such, it's very disjointed. Please bear with me.)

It's been a rougher couple of weeks. Last Friday, May 15th (incidentally the day BP re-released), we found out my grandma is going to be passing away pretty soon.

Yeah. I don't really know how to process it either.

My week two weeks ago was filled with hospital trips: if my mom was going, so was I. I only didn't make it once. The first time I saw her, she wasn't very coherent and it was scary. Thankfully, due to some steroids to help reduce the swelling in her brain (she has four brain tumors...), she's been much more herself.

I haven't seen her for a week, but we'll be going to see her again soon. It's been hard, because while on the one hand it's nice to be able to say goodbye, there is so much pressure to make every moment profound, just in case it is your last one.

She's just too young, at least it feels that way, and that's what I keep coming back to. The unfairness of it all. This isn't right.

I know eventually it will be easier. But I can't even fathom the idea of a life without my grandma in it. I love her so much.

Please be praying for me and my family.


when your heart releases, you won't fall to pieces, 
you'll let these old diseases lie
and your heart releases, you won't fall to pieces
and your breath comes crashing in
like perfect porcelain

- marianas trench

explanation for the title: when i found out, i turned on jon foreman on spotify. (yeah, jon foreman from switchfoot. he's done a few solo albums in his spare time.) his song broken from the start was playing. in that song, there's a line--"life is a gift like fresh cut roses." that line has stuck with me.
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  1. Emily ChapmanMay 25, 2014 at 4:37 PM

    Oh, I'm so sorry, sweet girl! I'll definitely be praying for you and your family. <3

    Keep your chin up,
    - em -

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anna CatherineMay 25, 2014 at 8:04 PM

    Praying for you, sweet Sky! (((hugs)))

    ReplyDelete
  3. a.n.g.May 25, 2014 at 10:10 PM

    Dear God,

    Please be with Sky and her family as they are going through a difficult time right now. Please encourage and comfort them. Show them that You love them. When Sky's grandma does go, please let her be with You, because if she's with You than I know she will be happy and safe, and no harm will ever come to her again. I thank You so much for Your love and grace, Jesus. In Your name, Amen.

    ReplyDelete
  4. CG @ Paper FuryMay 26, 2014 at 5:01 AM

    *hugs* I've stumbled through saying stuff before, you know...and I absolutely suck at encouragement. I also won't even pretend to know what it's like. But seriously, I'm thinking of you. <3

    ReplyDelete
  5. JoyMay 26, 2014 at 5:31 AM

    Dear Sky,

    I am so very sorry to hear this. But I can understand. My grandparents on my mum's side passed away by the time I reached 12 years old, and I had only seen them a few times since our family immigrated to Australia when I was 6. Then in 2012, my grandfather on Dad's side passed away too. . . and I hadn't seen him since I was 6. My grandma is now in a nursing home overseas, and really not doing too well. . . and I haven't seen her since I was very little. I am so sad and wish my family and I were with her, standing by her and treasuring those moments with her. It is very hard. But I know God knows this, and He loves us. He loves our grandmothers, and He knows our aching hearts. Every phone call becomes more precious, and you wish you can just hold onto time. But if they are with Jesus, than it is far better

    I will keep you in my prayers, Sky. God bless!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Christine SmithMay 26, 2014 at 11:51 AM

    Oh my goodness, Sky, I am SO sorry! I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through right now. I will definitely, definitely be praying for you and your family. *huggles*

    ReplyDelete

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