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on the power of showing up

note: I wrote this post in April of 2019 (pre-COVID). It's been sitting in my drafts for quite a while, but I think it's time for it to see the light of day. It's been helpful for me to reread over the past few months, especially as I continue to try to make an effort to write, and I hope it can be helpful to you, too. i got an invite to a writers' group a few months ago, and i had never felt like more of a fraud in my life. it had been months, if not years, since i'd felt like a writer. the proverbial well of words in my heart had dried up, it seemed, and i wasn't sure if it was ever coming back. i agreed to go out of a sense of helplessness—i'd identified as a writer ever since i could remember. if i'm not a writer, who am i?  i told myself that it was important to show up and act like a writer even when i didn't feel like one, because even though i hadn't been writing, i reassured myself, i still was a writer. but sometimes the words f
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life is a gift like fresh cut flowers.

(I haven't been sure how to write this post for a while now. As such, it's very disjointed. Please bear with me.)

It's been a rougher couple of weeks. Last Friday, May 15th (incidentally the day BP re-released), we found out my grandma is going to be passing away pretty soon.

Yeah. I don't really know how to process it either.

My week two weeks ago was filled with hospital trips: if my mom was going, so was I. I only didn't make it once. The first time I saw her, she wasn't very coherent and it was scary. Thankfully, due to some steroids to help reduce the swelling in her brain (she has four brain tumors...), she's been much more herself.

I haven't seen her for a week, but we'll be going to see her again soon. It's been hard, because while on the one hand it's nice to be able to say goodbye, there is so much pressure to make every moment profound, just in case it is your last one.

She's just too young, at least it feels that way, and that's what I keep coming back to. The unfairness of it all. This isn't right.

I know eventually it will be easier. But I can't even fathom the idea of a life without my grandma in it. I love her so much.

Please be praying for me and my family.


when your heart releases, you won't fall to pieces, 
you'll let these old diseases lie
and your heart releases, you won't fall to pieces
and your breath comes crashing in
like perfect porcelain

- marianas trench

explanation for the title: when i found out, i turned on jon foreman on spotify. (yeah, jon foreman from switchfoot. he's done a few solo albums in his spare time.) his song broken from the start was playing. in that song, there's a line--"life is a gift like fresh cut roses." that line has stuck with me.
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  1. Emily ChapmanMay 25, 2014 at 4:37 PM

    Oh, I'm so sorry, sweet girl! I'll definitely be praying for you and your family. <3

    Keep your chin up,
    - em -

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anna CatherineMay 25, 2014 at 8:04 PM

    Praying for you, sweet Sky! (((hugs)))

    ReplyDelete
  3. a.n.g.May 25, 2014 at 10:10 PM

    Dear God,

    Please be with Sky and her family as they are going through a difficult time right now. Please encourage and comfort them. Show them that You love them. When Sky's grandma does go, please let her be with You, because if she's with You than I know she will be happy and safe, and no harm will ever come to her again. I thank You so much for Your love and grace, Jesus. In Your name, Amen.

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  4. CG @ Paper FuryMay 26, 2014 at 5:01 AM

    *hugs* I've stumbled through saying stuff before, you know...and I absolutely suck at encouragement. I also won't even pretend to know what it's like. But seriously, I'm thinking of you. <3

    ReplyDelete
  5. JoyMay 26, 2014 at 5:31 AM

    Dear Sky,

    I am so very sorry to hear this. But I can understand. My grandparents on my mum's side passed away by the time I reached 12 years old, and I had only seen them a few times since our family immigrated to Australia when I was 6. Then in 2012, my grandfather on Dad's side passed away too. . . and I hadn't seen him since I was 6. My grandma is now in a nursing home overseas, and really not doing too well. . . and I haven't seen her since I was very little. I am so sad and wish my family and I were with her, standing by her and treasuring those moments with her. It is very hard. But I know God knows this, and He loves us. He loves our grandmothers, and He knows our aching hearts. Every phone call becomes more precious, and you wish you can just hold onto time. But if they are with Jesus, than it is far better

    I will keep you in my prayers, Sky. God bless!

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  6. Christine SmithMay 26, 2014 at 11:51 AM

    Oh my goodness, Sky, I am SO sorry! I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through right now. I will definitely, definitely be praying for you and your family. *huggles*

    ReplyDelete

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