note to self: i’ll be there for you, always
written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,
Don't worry - I'm sixteen, nearing seventeen now, and just as mental as I ever was. It's not your age that counts, it's how you deal with it, and everything it drags along in its wake. Like you, I HATE change in BIG FAT YELLOW CAPITAL LETTERS!!!
ReplyDeleteSo, what do I do with it? I let it happen, ride out the storm, get used to it and then think "well, that wasn't so hard." And I remind myself it's what's inside that counts. I don't care if I'm laughed at, I will continue dancing around singing to The Circle of Life in my room, I will cuddle my stuffed dragon when I feel insecure, I will make up silly rhymes and names for things to help me remember them like I did when I was ten.
Stuff the numbers - they're just pointless squigglies anyway ;)
Neverland, Narnia, the Shire...wherever it is, I'd just like to get away for a while!! I don't like change too much either...though as I'm getting older, it's a bit easier to deal with, to just go with the flow ;) Don't worry...I'm 19 and though I've changed somewhat drastically since I was 15, I still have Disney movie/coloring days...some parts of us will stick with us forever!! So fear not: life flies by, but as long as we've got God on our side (which will be well, forever ;)), we've no need to worry!! Happy early birthday! And though you're resisting it, I hope you truly enjoy your day! :)
ReplyDelete~Lauren :)
I'm 34 and friends with Charely Robson. We have a blast, just ask her. :}
ReplyDeleteJust because I've lived a few years past my youth doesn't mean I've set aside my playful spirit. Sure I have a lot more responsibility than I did when I was sixteen, but there is also a bit more freedom to choose to do exactly what I want to do with my free time.
Growing up doens't mean growing old. It means facing new adventures and learning new things!
My birthday is this month too and watching a whole bunch of Disney movies sounds like a great plan... if only my kids weren't still so adverse to tension and plot. :}
:} Cathryn
I know how it feels to want to hide from all in sight--to make a blanket fort and stay. there. forever. I know how it feels to want to stop time. But I also know how it feels to set foot on that trembling, rollicking ship of Adventure. I know how it feels to look on the world with eyes shining half with anticipation and half with fright. I know how it feels to be bowled over by overwhelming waves of Change, and then lifted up again by great gusts of Hope.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, my dear. He is holding your hand through all uncertainty. A good many changes get easier to take after awhile. Truly. Look for the good in Change, the excitement, and leave the fear at your Father's feet.
Happy birthday, dear Kylie. Forget your age and simply celebrate you. Because you are awesome. So there. ^.^