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note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,

maybe i’m dreaming

I’ll bet a sleepy girl somewhere in the world closed her eyes last night and suddenly found herself twirling. — Adam Young

One spark of an old story idea I’d had years ago. That’s all it took to send me on a raucous, determined quest into the depths of my closet to find some of the very first words I ever penned. That wasn’t what I expected to find, of course. A lot of what I found there wasn’t what I expected to find, but isn’t that the way quests are?

I pushed through the clothing and curled up on the wooden floor, sitting Indian-style, and I sorted through pages and pages of my history. My words were there, written for all eternity, preserved in the spaces of paper and time. I went away to another world there.

I found my dreams there.

I found a stapled-together sheaf of paper. Four pages filled with some of the most beautiful words I’ve had the privilege of reading in all my life. But they weren’t written by me. I had forgotten about this blog entry; I forgot that I had even printed it out. I had forgotten how much the words made me soar and made me feel alive.

I can’t believe words can do that. A collection of words, stapled together, hidden in my closet for who-knows-how-long, until just now. That was all it took for me to come alive.

It was a story about a prince and a princess, and for a moment I was swept away into a sparkling night on the other side of the pages… and it was so, so beautiful. As I held the dusty paper in my hands I realized how grateful I was I’d printed this out, because the internet doesn’t always last forever. These words—I wanted them to stick with me always.

This blog post was written by Adam Young for those curious (I can’t find a link because his blog seems to be down, but it was the entry titled I’ll See You In My Dreams). Regardless, the effect of these words still lingers, which is that in my closet I found a world again (not unlike Narnia), and I found some of my younger self, and I remembered what I was like one summer not too long ago when I dreamed and dreamed about all things bright and beautiful.

I remember it now. I remember that summer filled with life and light and exuberant joy. I want to have that summer again, but maybe that’s not important. Maybe what is important is that I’ve remembered what it’s like to dream.

This isn’t the first time I’ve gotten lost and found my way back again—it seems to happen over and over again. But each time it does, it feels amazing when I wake up, back into the reality, or not-reality, as it were. And it’s wonderful and it feels just like coming home.

Thank you, Owl City. But… this almost feels like it extends far beyond Owl City, into the world of beauty and wonder and everything bright and beautiful. Regardless, I’ve returned to the ranks of dreamers all over the world. And it’s good to be back.

If the green left the grass on the other side 
(I would make like a tree and leave) 
But if I reached for your hand 
Would your eyes get wide? 
(Who knew the other side could be so green?)
(honey and the bee, owl city)


  1. Adam has a way of sweeping his listeners (and readers) off into a dream world. He's such an awesome person.

    I love your writing. :)

    God bless,
    Joy :)

  2. Isn't the life of a dreamer a beautiful one? It's so good to hear from you again, girl! And you know what, I think I've read that blog post by Adam Young! I can't be sure, it might have just been a similar one, but regardless he is probably one of the most inspiring people in the world. His words awaken something inside me, and it seems I'm not the only one.

    Keep dreaming, Sky. To be a dreamer is a blessed thing.

  3. Oh, that's beautiful. :) Thanks for sharing!


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