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note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,

road trips & dreams

Lately, I've been sleeping really heavily. What that means is, my dreams have taken on their own alternate reality. I'm almost always me in the dreams (though I sometimes am not me in my dreams and that is a weird experience). Anyway, I'm almost always me in the dreams, but what circumstances I find myself in are very different.

Last night I had a dream that I went on a road trip with my family, which was *cough* if you'll excuse my bad pun, a dream come true. Because of my chronic pain, travelling in real life isn't a reality for me right now. So, what do I do?

Like always, I experience it through dreams.

The whole let's-go-on-a-road-trip thing in my dream was completely random. But I still enjoyed it.

When we went into the midwest, they had the most beautiful sunsets I've ever seen.

When we got to the areas like Iowa and such, we got to drive through rows and rows of corn. Yes, literally drive through.

And then I made up this whole other place where the skies were blue with pink cotton-candy clouds and a giant bird was flying overhead. It's hard to put into words here, but... I loved it.

And yeah, my dreams are weird.

But once again, I've realized how wonderful dreams are. They allow you to do things you never could do in real life. Experience new things. New worlds. New feelings. New wonder. Whether you're awake or asleep, dreaming opens up the door.

And for me, that's a wonderful thing.

In other news, I'm trying to decide if what I did was awesome or just plain crazy: I changed my blog template. YES. FINALLY.  I'm learning that it's hard to do a complete design overhaul after using the same one for so long. It's still very much in progress, and some things I might change or delete altogether, but in the meantime, this is the general idea. Thoughts? Aaaand never mind. We're back to the drawing board. :P


  1. Looks Great!! I love weird dreams and have them all the time. Some I actual day dream about because they were so cool;)
    Have a good one

    1. Mmhmm! I totally do that too. I once saw a picture on Tumblr that said, "The best dreams happen while you're awake." I wholeheartedly agree.

  2. Personally I quite like the new layout. Your dreams sound lovely - mine are positively deranged. I'm rarely myself, often seeing it from a third-person perspective, and what my subconscious must be thinking to dredge up some of the horrors it does makes me really wonder after my own mental health. Giant shampoo bottles? Riding into battle on a giant slinky? Lessons in quantum physics on the mobius strip from Benedict Cumberbatch wearing the Fourth Doctor's scarf?

    Weirdness. Dreams are.

    1. Ah, thank you! It turned out that I didn't like the layout as much as I thought I did, so now we're back to the beginning. XD I'm glad you liked it for the short time that it was up, though! Hopefully soon I'll get some genius inspiration to create a blog layout I actually like this time.

      Oh my goodness. XD I've had demented, deranged dreams like yours. It's awfully strange. What are our minds thinking? I can't think of any particularly ODD examples right now, but I've had some exactly as weird as the one you mentioned.

      One of my recurring nightmares was that my fish, Flynn, was trying to escape his fish tank and kept jumping OUT of it. It sounds funny, but it really did scare me half to death. This fish is now deceased, though he died of natural causes, not of jumping out of his own tank, thank God. XD This dream returned to some extent the other night, though it was a different fish. I always dream about trying to keep fish alive for some reason.

      And I've often had third-person dreams. It's quite strange. Lately, though, I've been me, and my dreams have been sort-of-kind-of normal. (Though in my road trip dream there were pink clouds in the sky and it was strange. XD) Anyway, we'll see how long these normal dreams last.

  3. I love vivid dreams. I wish I had a good night sleep last night but sadly no. I like the new blog design, I like variety. In fact, if I didn't have a writing partner, I would have changed the design on a monthly basis!

    1. Aw. :( I hope you got better sleep last night! :virtual hug:

      Ah, yes. I'm glad you liked it!! I've decided to revert to my old look for now until I'm feeling more inspired to make a new design. For some reason the one I made recently just didn't cut it for me.

      That would be a good idea! Monthly change is good, very good. I just don't adhere to it very often. XD (I hate change, sadly.)

  4. My dreams tend to be extremely weird, sightly creepy, and absolutely bizarre. Lucky you for having fun ones. :)

    It's always fun to have a new layout. I like yours!

    1. Ahhh, my dear, if only you knew... XD This was only one of the slightly-normal dreams I had. :P If I told you about my weirdest ones, we'd be here all day. XD

      Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it while it was up. Sadly I decided I didn't like it, so I'm back to the old design I had. Just didn't feel that the new design was "me." Hopefully I'll have a spark of genius soon and come up with something I positively love!

    2. The other night I had a dream about a Hunger Games society, living among dangerous machinery. I wasn't quite sure where that came from... ;)

      It's hard to change blog desgins. We changed ours, and every time I looked at it I thought, "But that's not MY blog..." I got used to it though. :) I'm sure you'll find something really nice.

  5. Tho I must say I did like the old one...I like the new template too!! :) The birds sort of flying away in the corner is really cool. And (how weird to say is this?) I like the creamy brown background colour. Have fun rearranging! :)

    1. Thank you! I liked the birds, that was my favorite part too. :D I'm actually back to the old one now because I didn't like the new one. So, it seems as if you've gotten your wish -- the old design is OFFICIALLY BACK. XD

      Thanks for stopping by! ♥

  6. I love dreams! I go on all sorts of fun adventures in mine and sometimes it is sad waking up.

  7. Ah, Sky! I wish we could go travelling somewhere together. In heaven. Right. We're going to do it in heaven. :D Yes! I love my dreams. They are so fun. I can't even count the number of times I've been in the TARDIS.

  8. Hiya! Popping in to say that I'm tagging you for The Booker Award! *confetti flies everywhere* *fanfare* *parades you around*

    Have fun. :P ^_^

    ~ CinderScoria


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