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note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,

Is Forever Enough?

What makes all of us hate?
We're all the same
We roll the dice
And we play your game
We complicate
Show us the way
Before it's too late
And the whole thing breaks

We have a name
We all create
Everything else,
the mistakes we made
We'll make a change
We'll concentrate
Before we suffocate

Can't hold this in
And keep it quiet any longer
I've fallen in
And now this feeling's getting stronger

You take my breath away
Now I'm trying to get up
I'm trying to retrace
My steps back
To wherever I messed up
Is forever enough?
I'm holding on
I know you'll be there
Whenever I wake up...
- Is Forever Enough, Hawk Nelson

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