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note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,
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Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown

Life is weird. I'm sure you already knew that.

I've been trying to think of what to post about today, since I'm aiming to post here every Wednesday. Several topics come to mind but recede just as soon as they appeared. So... I'm just going to write and try to explain why I don't have a cool post for today.

It's been a rough few weeks. Basically, my grandpa passed away on December 11th. It was sudden, though his health has been failing for a long time. I wanted to do a really poetic post about this to do him justice, but I'm not ready for that yet. Soon, though.

It's a roller coaster of emotions. One moment I'm happy and excited about Christmas. The next I'm just... not happy. 

"I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. Christmas is coming, but I'm not happy. I don't feel the way I'm supposed to feel. I just don't understand Christmas, I guess. I like getting presents and sending Christmas cards and decorating trees and all that, but I'm still not happy. I always end up feeling depressed." - Charlie Brown

So, in the midst of all these weird emotions, I just want to say that I really hope you have an awesome Christmas. Amidst the sadness, I'm sure I'll find some things to be happy about. I hope you do too. ♥
 


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  1. Sunny SmithDecember 23, 2015 at 10:59 PM

    Sometimes Charlie Brown says things in the best way possible.

    Hope your Christmas is filled with peace and some joy, even in the midst of grief.

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    1. Sky DestrianDecember 30, 2015 at 11:36 PM

      I completely agree. Thanks so much, Sunny. It really was. I hope you had a good Christmas, too. ♥

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  2. Elijah DavidDecember 24, 2015 at 7:23 AM

    I've been sort of the same this year, and not just with Christmas. I feel like autumn and the Christmas season haven't had enough moments for me to stop and enjoy them.

    I hope you have a wonderful Christmas, Sky!

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    1. Sky DestrianDecember 30, 2015 at 11:43 PM

      I definitely understand what you mean. It's been similar for me, too. I'm sorry to hear you're feeling the same way. Life moves too fast sometimes. I hope 2016 moves a little slower so we can soak it in. :)

      Thanks so much, I did! I hope you did too!

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  3. JaimeDecember 24, 2015 at 7:57 AM

    I relate to Charlie Brown too. I've felt the same about the last few Christmases. Here's to hoping we both figure out a balance of happy and sad. (Because sad isn't all bad. Sometimes "Sad is happy for deep people" -Doctor Who)

    Merry Christmas! :)

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    1. Sky DestrianDecember 30, 2015 at 11:44 PM

      Ahhh, I love that quote. Very true and reassuring. Thank you for posting it! I hope we figure out that balance, too.

      Merry belated Christmas! :)

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  4. Skye HoffertDecember 24, 2015 at 10:05 AM

    I will be praying for you Sky.

    :)

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    1. Sky DestrianDecember 30, 2015 at 11:45 PM

      Thanks, Skye! I really appreciate it. :) Hope you had a good Christmas! ♥

      Delete
  5. Christine SmithDecember 24, 2015 at 9:17 PM

    Oh, Sky! I am so, so sorry about your grandpa. I can't even imagine how hard that is right now. It breaks my heart you're having such a hard time.

    I'm absolutely praying for you, sweet girl. Despite all the hardships, I hope tomorrow will be a beautiful day. *HUGS*

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    1. Sky DestrianDecember 30, 2015 at 11:47 PM

      Thank you so, so much, Christine! I REALLY appreciate that. And I did have a beautiful day. I was able to enjoy myself despite the grief, so I'm really glad. Thank you so much for the prayers and well wishes. *HUGS BACK* ♥

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  6. Victoria Grace HowellDecember 28, 2015 at 11:13 AM

    Christmas is mixed with a lot happy and sad emotions too. *hugs* It's always a bittersweet time for me. Merry belated Christmas!

    storitorigrace.blogspot.com

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    1. Sky DestrianDecember 30, 2015 at 11:48 PM

      I understand totally. Sorry to hear it's bittersweet. I hope you did manage to find some joy amidst the sadness. :) Thanks so much, and Merry belated Christmas right back atcha!

      Delete
  7. Amanda FischerDecember 28, 2015 at 2:57 PM

    December 11th is a rough day in my family too, from the loss of a cousin. Hope you found some joy this Christmas anyway. :)

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    1. Sky DestrianDecember 30, 2015 at 11:51 PM

      I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your cousin. That's never easy, and my heart goes out to you.

      I did find some joy this Christmas--thank you so much. I hope you did too. :) ♥

      Delete

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