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note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,

My First Rewrite

There's something you should know about me: in addition to usually not finishing NaNo novels, I also have not successfully completed edits, revisions, or changes of any kind. (I admitted this dastardly fact here.) The few first drafts I have finished continue to sit on my hard drive, stagnant, as I wring my hands over how I should edit them. (Hint: I never do.)

I titled the post this way because it's reminiscent of a baby--"my first steps", or "my first word." In some ways, though I've been writing for ages (as pictured above), I still feel like a baby in my writing journey. The reason for this is, obviously the lack of rewrites. I have good intentions, but I never actually do anything. This is probably due to the fact that I hate change with everything in me, and sometimes writing is my refuge from changes or difficult things in my life. So changing my writing?!? How ghastly! No can do.

Except, I pulled myself up by my bootstraps yesterday and said to myself, You will rewrite something. 

This "something" is Because I'm Irish, my novel of 3 years. It's my soul story, the one I come back to time and time again. The first draft was started in 2011 and finished in 2012. I was only fifteen and sixteen. I was little. (Comparatively.) And as such, my writing style has changed and grown so much now, at the age of eighteen. When I look back on Because I'm Irish, the writing needs an update to where I'm at now in my writing journey.

I've known this for a long while. I had good intentions of editing BCII as soon as I finished it. But fear stopped me. Time and time again, I was terrified. What if I mess up what made me love it in the first place? What if I make it too different? 

I wrote about this in Courage to Rewrite, where I asked you lovely blog readers to tell me how to rewrite something. (I'm clueless, I tell ya.) One comment in particular stood out to me, from my dear friend Lauriloth. She said,
I promise you, when you rewrite Because I'm Irish you're not going to lose the heart of it. Because rewriting isn't blowing away the magic, it's dusting off the grit to let that heart shine brighter than ever. After your rewrite, Because I'm Irish is going to be something even grander. You're probably going to get discouraged...a lot. Rewriting is overwhelming work. But just hold on to that love of your novel and keep trekking through. Because if you love something, you're going to want to make it beautiful. And that's just what rewrites are for. [read more]
These are the words I held onto when, yesterday, I finally started rewriting BCII. (!!!)

Yesterday, after finishing Lost Girls, I just kept writing. (I wrote a total of 6,045 words yesterday--say what?) I worked a bit on my story Metal and Bone, but at the back of my mind the whole time, I was thinking: I missed Fiona and my characters so much during NaNo. Maybe it's time? 

In the end, my friend Caroline gave me the advice I needed to hear: You literally just have to start writing.

After finishing Lost Girls yesterday, I'm starting to realize that half the difficulties writers face are related to our mental state. It takes a conscious decision: I am going to finish this novel. I am going to rewrite this novel. I will. I can.

Now, after all the mental stressing I did, I've realized: beginning to rewrite BCII wasn't so hard. All I had to do was choose to not listen to the tiny voice inside me telling me I couldn't do it. All I had to do was choose to rewrite, because I want to give this story my very best. All I had to do was just do it.

So here we go, with my first rewrite ever, on a story I love from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. It's been a long time coming, and I'm so excited. At first I was worried, but Lauriloth was right--dusting off the grit to let the heart shine better than before is worth it. I already see BCII shining clearly, and I have my vision. I know where I'm going now.

It probably won't always be that way, and I'm still terrified. But, as they say in The Princess Diaries, "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all. From now on you'll be traveling the road between who you think you are and who you can be. The key is to allow yourself to make the journey."

I've allowed myself to make the journey, and it feels marvelous.

So if you're where I was for the past three years, don't worry. The fear you feel is normal, but you don't have to stay there. You can do this. Your story needs you, and together, you can make this journey from first draft to published novel.

As you rewrite, remember the saying, "Little by little, one travels far." (It's true, especially in rewrites.) Also remember the words from Galaxy Quest--"never give up. Never surrender."

But most of all, remember this simple slogan:


You can do it. I believe in you! And my growing second draft and I are with you in this together.


  1. Yaaaay! I hope you have a good time rewriting!! I have rewritten a fair bit but....but it's usually something I say "aw, maybe next month". -_- It's hard. For me, first-drafts are about being wild and messy so there's a LOT of freedom. But rewrites and edits are about finding the perfect word (I'm also a perfectionist) SO. HARD.
    Don't be scared to change things too, okay?!! I really really struggled to change anything when I first was rewriting. But trust me: if you at all think a scene should be changed, just do it. ^-^ Your gut feeling is always the right one.

  2. I'm not good about editing either, but I'm trying it for my first go right now... It's kind of discouraging, but hopefully I'll manage to figure out how it works, eventually. Good luck rewriting, though, and I hope you enjoy it.

  3. Goodness me. I don't even know what to say. I'm so glad my little comment gave you some encouragement! *huggles*

    It's wonderful you're taking this next plunge in your writing. I've only ever actually done one rewrite and that book needs yet another one. Rewriting is something I've feared myself for yeeears, so I'm right there with you. Come January I hope to plunge into a rewrite also and the thought still scares me. But I LOVE what you said. Just do it. Nothing is ever going to get done if you don't just START. I need that reminder sometimes.

    Good luck, sweet girl! I hope this journey of rewriting is a wondrous one for you. I have no doubt Because I'm Irish is going to turn out beautifully. ^_^

  4. oh yes yes yes. I'm currently smack dab in the middle of a WIP that is, like you said, my life story. I love it so much, I know my characters like my siblings, and it just fits me like a glove. However, at the beginning of the year, when I was starting this adventure, I had to go back and rewrite/hardcore edit about 30k words. It was hard. But it was so worth it. So I guess I know what you're talking about first hand.

    I hope you have an amazing time of rewriting Because I'm Irish, and that you have fun, because when it all comes down to it, one of the most enjoyable things in a writer's life is writing something you love with all your heart. :)


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