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note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,

In Which I Finally Finish a NaNo Novel (!!!)

I've never finished a NaNoWriMo novel. I always get to the point of 70k. Then I stop. Because I just can't figure out how something ends. 

Thus it is that for 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, and 2013 I still have a bunch of unfinished first drafts. Sad, isn't it? Now, I got somewhat closer to finishing something with my 2013 novel, Petrichor. But despite my greatest efforts, my plan to finish it before November failed. (It will be finished soon, however. I promise.)

Thus it is that Lost Girls is the first NaNo novel I've ever finished.

I made it my goal to finish my novel this time. I was going to do it. I set my goal on myWriteClub for January 15th. 

But no, that is too small, I decided. Let us make it December 5th.

My dear friends challenged me to a word war today. After about three of them, I was realizing: this book could actually be finished today. During the word war, I had a stroke of inspiration on how it could end. 

I had come up with my ending. Now it was just a matter of writing it.

I put on a playlist on Spotify and right as Eye of the Tiger came on, I knew... this novel would be finished tonight. 

I wrote the very end of the climax, which was actually really violent and gross (and I still don't know how to feel about it). And then I wrote my last scene which wrapped everything up. Well, kind of. Because now I need a sequel (it's official). And in that sequel, things happen. Difficult things. It isn't unprecedented, though. In this book I separated my OTP, and there was lots of angst. (Which, I'll admit, made me happy. For a couple days, I wasn't sure how to end it. Then when I came up with the idea to separate my OTP, I knew that was the right ending. Call me sadistic; it's probably true.)

I couldn't decide what line to end it on, so I may have finished at 4:55, but I kept tweaking the end sentence. I decided I couldn't tweak it forever, so at 5:00 pm on-the-dot I decided to call it: Lost Girls was DONE at a grand total of 141 pages and 53,157 words.

It feels fantastic, really. I'm proud that I finished what I started. This is the fourth book under my belt, and overall, I'm really satisfied.

Now, we just have to survive revisions!


  1. Congrats on finishing your novel! That's such an amazing accomplishment! =)
    I wish I could finish the many drafts I have started that are still left awaiting me in Word. xD

  2. This was my first year of NaNo and I didn't finish, but your post made me rethink just giving up on my book entirely. Just because I didn't finish in November doesn't mean I shouldn't keep on going! Good luck with rewrites and love the Supernatural GIFs!

  3. Hooray! That is wonderful. Do you have plans for publication?

    1. Oh, it's a dream of mine to be published! I think after I do rewrites of Lost Girls, if I get it to a place where I'm happy with it, it could possibly go on submission to publishing houses. I have so many other novels I'm working on, too--so it's just a matter of which one I send out first. :) Thank you so much for asking, Susanna! ♥

  4. Yay for Spotify! It is the Don when it comes to writing motivation (plus the playlist is awesome!).
    CONGRATS FOR COMPLETING LOST GIRLS. You should party right now. Treat yourself to cake or something. Turn on the music and just cry out in happiness for a bit. You finished a novel! A WHOLE NOVEL. Smile woman. Laugh even! (Actually look at yourself all bug-eyed. A novel - an actual freaking novel. In a month. Someone deserves an award!)

  5. CONGRATULATIONS!!! That's so fantastic! There's no better feeling than finishing a novel, is there? You did awesomely, girl. You absolutely deserve to celebrate and relax for a while. I mean, you just WROTE A WHOLE NOVEL. Bask in the awesomeness. :D


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