Skip to main content


note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,

rose petals: nanowrimo 2012

So, NaNoWriMo has been over for a week now. I kind of left you all in the dust.

Oops. Hehe, sorry about that.

So basically, I meant to do a final vlog but everything has gotten away from me, especially when it comes to my health. When I'm not feeling well all the time, it was really hard to find some time to sit down and talk to a camera. Also, I was lacking confidence in my abilities as a video blogger, judging by how rambly and awful one of my vlogs turned out.

Anyway, yes. NaNo's over. Speaking of which, another reason I dropped off the face of the planet was because I was doing a lot of this:

That's right. Catchup.

Somewhere around Day 18, I stopped writing because my health flared so bad. I didn't write anything substantial for about a week. And then, on day 25, I decided I wanted to try to win this thing.

(a screencap from day 27. the way my stats spiked cracks me up.)

So I did. I had about 19,000 words to catch up on. And somehow, by writing exorbitant amounts, I caught up.

And I made it.

I won NaNoWriMo.

This makes my fourth year participating and my third year winning. And it just feels good, you know? To accomplish something. 

This novel saved my sanity this month. It gave me something to focus on when a lot of areas of my life were falling apart, physically and emotionally. It reminded me to write for myself, to just write for the sake of my own sanity. It made me remember how much writing has helped me emotionally in the pastIt became my escape again, and for that I am truly grateful.

Rane and Lynx are one of the most adorable couples I've ever written, just fyi. I find that I learn things with each NaNo that I do, and this year one thing that stands out to me is that I learned that I can write romance. This is kind of something weird to admit, but I never thought I could before. I was worried I'd write something too sappy, so all my romances were like very deep friendships. I love these kinds of relationships, but for this year's NaNo, I accidentally ended up writing something different. Last month, without me forcing it, Rane and Lynx's relationship became extremely deep, beyond any other couple I've written. They had extreme amounts of emotions and sadness and hope and they're so bittersweet. It was so lovely, actually. I wrote about rose petals and burn medicines and war wolves and all of these things will always be what defines Rane and Lynx. ♥

(Rane also has more fangirls than he did at the beginning of the month, which is something I didn't think was possible, but his fanbase has definitely grown. Good on ya, mate. You deserve it.)

I love my other characters too, like Charlie, Enda, Clay, Anchor, Fritz, and Spice. Two of them, Charlie and Anchor, were actually in Silver Tears, but their characters deepened so much in this novel, as did Lynx's. I really feel like exploring the storyline of the outcasts was a good choice, because now I can revise it and make its cameo in Silver Tears even better. I have building blocks to work from now, and that makes me so happy.

Overall, I'm happy with the way my novel turned out, especially because I didn't have anything planned at the beginning of this year. I thought this novel would be an absolute disaster. I'm thrilled that Broken Wings proved me wrong.

On the writing front, I haven't written much at all since the clock stroke twelve on November 31st. Once I hit 50k, my motivation to write significantly dropped. I do want to finish this novel, and I promised myself I'd push myself to do so once November ended, but so far that hasn't happening. I actually think though that I need to take some time to recover. Writing the insane amount of words that I did really pushed me, especially because my body is in such a frail state already. So with that in mind, I don't feel so bad about taking a break.

I want to give some credit my NaNoWriMo support group for keeping me afloat this month. There have been several times where I'd wanted to give up, but these girls kept me going. We call ourselves the Tea-Spitters, and we've become a very close-knit group. I feel like I've found a cozy writing place to call my own. And it's truly lovely. Shout out to you, my fellow Tea-Spitters. Stay brave, stay strong, stay true. And remember: your choices will change the world.

That's a good note to close on, actually, as we end this chapter and transition into the next. Remember this, my world-changers, my friends with passion planted deep in their hearts. Remember this, fellow writers. Remember this, my starry-eyed dreamers.

Your choices will change the world.


  1. Oh wow, well done you! Those stats are quite something - I have no idea how you wrote so much in those one days, haha!

    I'm really pleased you like your novel, too. I'm a hopeless romance writer, so my respect for your feeling confident in the area is pretty high. Care to give a poor hopeless ninny some tips? ;)

    1. Honestly, I have no idea how I did either. O__o I never cease to amaze myself. :P

      Thank you! And I'm glad to have earned your respect, albeit feeling rather awkward about how to handle being esteemed so highly. O.o

      Of course, I'd love to! Per'aps we should dialogue about it over email sometime or something. You've been commenting on my blog so faithfully for months now and I really appreciate it. I'd love to get to know you better. :D

  2. Congratulations! That must have been a lot of fun!

  3. Wow! Way to go! There's nothing like a writing deadline to totally freak me out. But sometimes that little boast of *yay, success*! is what a person needs to keep flying.

    When I hit the time to do the romantic aspect in my fantasy series...ah, it ended up a cliche love-triangle (yikes, I'm even admitting this!). I have a lot of work to get it up to standard. ;)

  4. I don't blame you for losing your motivation. When NaNo ended, I didn't write very much at all for a few days. And I agree about writing being an escape or at least a distraction and the fact that it keeps us sane (not that we writers are "sane" to begin with, but you know what I mean).
    But congradulations on meeting your goal! I had to knock my goal down twice during NaNo and I still only barely made it (I am on the kids's site, and my final goal was 17K. I finished with 17,136.)
    ~Robyn Hoode

  5. Congratulations!! That spike right there really is amazing! You did awesome, girl!!

    I'm so glad you love all your characters and are happy with your novel. That's a wonderful feeling to have.

    I understand about motivation leaving the minute NaNo is done. I always burn myself out. I'm trying to finish my novel before New Year's, but it's sometimes hard to make myself keep writing. I'm taking a good break from writing once this novel is done! Lol.

    Anyways, sounds like you had a good NaNo. ^_^ Thank goodness for writing, it's the only thing keeping me sane as well.

  6. I really quite enjoyed doing NaNo this year. :) It was my first time and I fancied it.

    I fell behind too, because we had unexpected company and I felt awkward sitting at my computer for several hours a day when they were up and I was supposed to be entertaining. Finally I got over that and caught up also. :D


  7. I know how annoying this question can be, but do I get to read it?

    1. Oh my gosh, dear Lostariel. I just found this. I haven't finished Broken Wings and it's kind of on hold at the moment as I pursue other plot bunnies. I also haven't quite gotten over the hump of being courageous enough to share my writing yet. But oh my /goodness,/ I am so, so honored you asked. Thank you so much. ♥


Post a Comment

Comments make the world go 'round... or was that chocolate?

Thank you for stopping by! I read every single comment and love them all. Seriously, it makes my day. I do my best to comment back!

My only rule is basic respect and honor. Disagreement is accepted, but hate and trolling is not. Otherwise, say what you need to say, and have fun. And don't forget to grab a free complimentary mint on your way out.

Popular Posts