note to self: i’ll be there for you, always
written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,...
That's funny! At least you have Beckett stepping in while your other project needs a break. Love that name, by the way. (:
ReplyDeleteOh, I can totally relate. I was just wondering today what I could do to coax my unmanageable characters into doing what I wanted...needless to say I check blogger and started to read you post. They just laughed at me in victory...they win. All the time.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your thoughts and give my best regards to Beckett.
Jessica
Jenna: Indeed! I suppose Beckett, in that way, is helpful, though at the time it didn't appear to be. I was actually very distraught over the fact that I didn't have a current WIP, and so I refused to take a break on my NaNo novel. As of late, I have this urge that I need to be working on SOMETHING. (I blame NaNo for this.) So, it's rather handy that Beckett stepped in. He's all too happy to oblige. (And yes, his name is one of my absolute favorites, though he'd like me to think that HE was the one who picked it. *rolls eyes*)
ReplyDeleteJessica: Oh, what a great coincidence! I bet your characters were overjoyed. I'm sorry that they won't obey, but hey - at least they're real. I think it's even worse when your characters' personalities resemble cardboard. (Trust me, I've been there.)
Beckett thanks you for your best regards, and has taken them with a sly smile and a slight bow. He's much too arrogant for his own good, methinks, but then again, it's not like I can do anything to change it! ;)
OH MY WORD; this is exactly how I feel! I try and tell my Mom, but she doesn't quite get it. I must now print this out and show it to her. This is just - so - YES!!!
ReplyDelete~ Mirriam
Yet again, I know exactly how you feel! Characters can by tricksy, unmanageable, and...uncontrollable in more ways than one. I used to think it was my plot, but no. My characters just don't want to suffer what I ha(d) in store for them!
ReplyDeleteP.S. I love your blog, especially the name. And--look--I think I can claim the prize of 100th follower! Special, aye?