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note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,
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[getting there]

I opened a new blog entry because I feel the need to write something. Then I stared emptily at the blank screen, at a loss for words. It's not that I don't have a topic to write about - it's because I have too many. Words and ideas swirl around in my brain, a constant stream of thoughts that barely give me a moment's peace. It was the same way last night. I couldn't sleep because of the lyrics that kept showing up and tapping me on the shoulder. They begged to be written down, so how could I resist? Yet the penmarks on my page have yet to form one, complete song. They are still a bunch of random thoughts, scribbled out in the frenzy of inspiration. But it's getting there. And that's what matters.

I've had the random desire to read my Bible more often. It's highly unusual for me to have that happen, so I'm trying to soak it up all I can. I still have so much growing to do as a Christian. My life has yet to make total sense, to fit into the bigger picture. But isn't it that way for all of us?

I think we're scribblings on a page, placed exactly where God wants us. And we can rest in the fact that he's working in our lives, as the Author of Life. He'll take care of us and weave us perfectly into His plan. Someday we'll all be part of a beautiful masterpiece. We're already a part of one now - we just don't see it yet.

But until then...we're getting there. And that's what matters.
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  1. Hannah GraceJuly 20, 2010 at 7:14 AM

    One thing about being a Christian, dear Kylie, is that we never stop growing in Christ. We are always learning new things, always rejoicing because of 'the hope that is within us'. Life is a book, God is the Great Author, and we are the characters. We can chose to rebel, or we can chose to accept what our Author has for us. I loved this post, Skylee, because I have been feeling like that a lot lately. What should I do? Where should I go? Then I look up and remember that my Lord is holding not just my pen as I feebly attempt to write for Him, but He's holding the pen that is writing my story. He is in control of my life. All I have to do is do what He asks...and trust.

    So maybe that made no sense at all. But it sure helped me to get it out, even if it confused you. ;-)

    Love you, and I'm praying for you.
    ~Half-Pint

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