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note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,

You Are Not Lost

When I was younger, I had a recurring nightmare.

I entirely blame Space Camp for this nightmare because of the scene where the kid almost gets lost in space. My nightmare, whether I'm asleep or awake, is drifting away in space without anything to hold on to. Space, though I love the stars, is extremely terrifying. Being lost in space? Even worse.

Even though it's entirely irrational seeing as I most likely will not ever go to space, this fear is rooted in something that I experience even when my feet are planted solidly on earth. It's rooted in the fact that we as humans fear losing control or getting lost or just... floating away. Disappearing. Fading. Flying endlessly in a dark abyss with only yourself to keep you company.

That fear is entirely rational. We all fear "floating in space." Or "getting lost at sea."

Life, with all its complexities, is almost as vast as our universe. There are billions of lives on this planet alone, and in the midst of all these humans, in the midst of humanity, it is entirely rational to fear getting lost. It is entirely rational to be scared, to feel small.

I'm sure that when astronauts are up above the earth looking down, they feel small too.

And despite feeling small, whenever astronauts actually have to go outside their safe spaceship to make repairs, they tether themselves. They tie themselves to parts of the spaceship, and they don't let go.

When captains of ships want to stop in the middle of the vast, slippery ocean, they drop a big hunk of metal into the depths. They anchor themselves, and they don't let it go.

When anxiety and fear attack, pelting you relentlessly, find an anchor. Hold onto it.

Hold on to your friends, your family, the ones you call your own. Hold on to TV shows and books and music and stories of all kinds. Hold on to your favorite pet. Hold on to the next day, the next sunbeam, the next hint of brighter things. Hold on tight, and don't let go.

But if you do let go, you are not lost. You will always be able to find another tether. You will always be able to find your way back to safety, to security. You will always be able to throw out another anchor. You will always be able to throw out a searchlight, looking for brighter things.

You will always be able to find your way back home.


  1. ...those last two paragraphs, man. might have choked up a little. this something that I've had to learn over the past year, and every day is a matter of remembering that truth.

    I also think that it's important to remember that sometimes, when somone lets go/feels lost, people might reach out to find them, to help find that new tether. it's easy in that scary, void-place to fear their help as well, that they might let go once they realize how lost you feel, but if they're trying to pull you back to safety, they just want to help. so when one feels lost, we shouldn't be too afraid to ask for or accept help from those willing to provide that help. it can be a leap of faith, but sometimes, that's what it takes.

    Love this post so much! <3

  2. Wow. Thank you for this reminder. Sometimes it's hard to remember to hold on. I definitely needed this tonight. So thank you.

  3. Beautiful,absolutely beautiful<3 I might actually hang those last two paragraph on my wall

  4. Lovely, this post really made me feel something.


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