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note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,

What We Stay Alive For

We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. 

-- Dead Poets Society

Sometimes, as much as I try to be optimistic, I have to admit something: it can hurt to live. It's not the kind of pain where you wish you were dead. It's more that quiet, dull sort of tiredness--the one where you're just tired of living. You don't want your life to stop, but you're exhausted from the daily grind, the pain you feel, and what life is putting you through today.

I know, I've been there. It's been that way off and on for a little while now. And let's be honest: it sucks.

Sometimes, though, it helps to remember the bright things in life, the ones that make life worth living. Just tiny bright spots of sunlight speckled across the fabric of daily living. like sunlight streaming through the window onto a blanket. Here's my list of those things. They're as much for me as they are for you.

sunsets & sunrises
a baby's laugh
the feeling of being hugged
that moment when you're listening to music and your heart swells
blue skies and gorgeous sunsets (i know, i have a thing for them)
taking pictures and writing about them
writing, in general
keeping a journal, no matter how messy or perfect it is
getting your seriously painful wisdom teeth out (finally) 
(i had to mention that)
watching TV shows
laughing your head off at Parks and Rec
new, unexpected, fancier DVRs
eating watermelon
drinking lemon water
reading a good book that sweeps you away
good friends & family
typewriter font
runaway, faraway drives
the feeling of coming home

You'll need coffee shops and sunsets and road trips. Airplanes and passports and new songs and old songs, but people more than anything else. You will need other people and you will need to be that other person to someone else, a living breathing screaming invitation to believe better things.
-- Jamie Tworkowski

*i originally wrote this in september; this post is coming to you scheduled. yuuuup, still recovering from wisdom teeth, i can only presume. and if i am somehow better, and i am not still recovering, at least i am prepared blog-wise, and can take time off to watch all the tv shows waiting for me on my shiny new dvr. ahem. anyway. wish me luck.

(side note: while i wrote this in a bit of a hopeless place. God gave me hope again.)


  1. I love this post :D It brightened up my crappy day :)

    I hope your wisdom teeth are treating you nicer! I remember how awful that recovery could be D:

    I nominated you for another award, by the way =P I just think you're awesome, okay? XD More info here:

  2. Truth. So TRUE. Although I don't really get poetry, but I love art so I'm covered. :) I hope you're recovering well. *hugs* And yay for tv shows and imaginary worlds and books to sweep us to more interesting places when the world sucks.

  3. Feel better soon and enjoy your time for rest and relaxation! I loved your list of little things. A helpful reminder that sometimes we need to stand back and remember the small but important that make life lovely.

    Yes, life is filled with days and nights. I have always appreciated that even in the night time, our dear Lord is always there for us.

    Casting all your anxiety on Him, because it matters to Him concerning you.
    1 Peter 5:7


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