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note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,

shot in the dark

there was a shot in the dark
i was caught by surprise
there was a hole in my heart
there were tears in your eyes
and there was nothing to say
'cuz you'd made up your mind
and so i guess what you meant
when you left was goodbye.
-- Take It All Away, Owl City

Earlier this year, as summer dawned and sunshine filtered through the trees, I lost one of my closest friends.

She was my mentor, my encourager, my friend. She came alongside me during one of the hardest times of my life (read: the teenage years) and supported me. She was beautiful, an inspiration. I loved her so much, not only for what she did for me, but because of who she was.
And then suddenly, without any warning, she was gone.

She cut off all contact. Not a word. Not only that, but she did so because of reasons that were later proved to be unfounded. There was a sting of betrayal with her departure. And I found myself with a broken heart, in tattered shreds, trying to pick up the pieces.

I don't even know what to say. I could try to generalize about how generally relationships like these hurt... but the truth is, that's not even close to what I feel about it. My heart was kicked to the curb. Raw, bleeding, broken.

It's been a few months since then. I'm still not over it. Yes, there is healing. Eventually. I don't know if I'm there yet.

Reconciliation would be wonderful, but sometimes it's not possible. In this situation, it seems that way. As I mentioned, she's cut off all contact. I've thought of writing her a letter, but I don't know if she'd even read it or respond if I tried.

I recently experienced reconciliation with another fractured relationship of mine, and let me tell you this: it was beautiful. God made a way when there seemed to be none. Suddenly months and months of unresolved issues and pain seemed so much less significant, not so crushing. And all I want is to have the same thing here, with this friend. To hear from her, even if it's just one last time. To know that she doesn't hate me. To have her apologize, to tell me she still cares. So that I can move on. So that I can heal.

What does one do in a situation like this?

I have absolutely no idea.

I'm praying because God is having to heal my heart and hers, reconciliation or not. And I'm hoping, praying, that someday, she'll choose to contact me again.

Could she? Yes.

Will she? I don't know.

It's times like today where my heart aches to have what we once had. Painful reminders crop up of what we once shared, but what is now suddenly just memories on a page. This friendship is no longer living, breathing, alive. It is over.

And that is what hurts the most about it.

Because there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

A dull ache fills my heart now as I type this, because no matter how you slice it, it's over, she's gone, and I have to move on with my life. But try as I might, the pain is still there. So is the hope that she'll contact me, that we'll run into each other again. All I want is to hug her, to know that everything is okay, and to maybe rebuild what we once had.

But I don't have that. I can't see her, hug her, talk to her. Not anymore. And it stings.

Being a teenager sucks. (Sorry to whip you around and suddenly change topics like that. But I'm sure you can agree.) It's so hard. My dad validated me in that this evening--saying, "Your mom and I know how hard this is. We want to support you."

That meant the world to me, because I am struggling. So much. But that's what teenagerdom is about. It's what growing's about. I'm pushing through the soil like a bright green plant. Growing, reaching. Restless. I'm growing so dang much through all of this. So much is changing. Life has handed me a ton of lemons.

Time to make some lemonade, I suppose?

So life as a teenager is a shot in the dark. Because we have no idea where we're going or what we're doing half the time. And sometimes you get shot in the dark, wounded out of nowhere, by those who love you most.

It hurts so much. But we're going to get through this. I'm going to get through this. There are better days ahead. (Hopefully in that magical time of life that starts with a 2 and ends with a 0.)

Seriously. I can't wait for it to get better. And I wonder when it will. I can't wait till it does. Come on, God. Bring me to a better place here.

And until then, I'll watch the summer stars to lead me home.

i'm a silhouette 
asking every now and then
is it over yet? 
will I ever love again? 
i'm a silhouette 
chasing rainbows on my own 
but the more I try to move on 
the more I feel alone 
so I watch the summer stars to lead me home.
--Silhouette, Owl City


  1. Oh Sky. I feel you. Reading this whole post was like Deja vú to one of my past friendships that ended about 2 years ago. It was ungrounded, I tried to reach out and reconcile, I was willing to take the blame for it all if she would just come back. But it never happened. In those first few months, God drew me to himself like I had never been drawn before. Apparently, he can only fix you when your broken.
    After finally letting go of that friendship, I opened myself up to do much more. I learned to not weigh all my friendship on one person, to not add someone so much to your life that you can't make any other friends. And because of that, I've been able to draw close to you, Mirriam, and other girls.

    I know it hurts right now, I've been there, but trust me, being broken is the best thing that can ever happen to you.

  2. Life can be something of a B with an itch at times, eh? You'll be pleased to know that not all teenage life will suck to the extremes, but unfortunately the end of it won't herald an end to the suckishness either. People are among the most wonderful, and yet most revolting, creatures on earth at times. Marvellously prone to change.

    Maybe it's just that your friend is having a hard time in her own life and needs a break (though, admittedly, I don't know the full situation and am not really fit to put any sort of judgement on that front). I don't know. And I hope you'll reconcile yourselves one day - it's always a painful moment.

    In the meantime, please accept this bundle of extra-fuzzy hugs and happy things from me. I've got plenty more where that came from, should you ever want someone just to talk and listen :)

  3. I know how you feel, girl. I only just recently patched together a friendship that I've had for all my life--with my cousin no less. It's still rocky and we still have our problems...but I'm just happy we're still friends. When we first began having difficulties communicating and small spats, I didn't have any hope we were getting close again.
    I felt so alone...
    But hey! I'm a Door Within fan--and it's now been pounded into my head: I am never alone.

    God Bless!

    Ely Gyrate

  4. I am really sorry about this. I can guess how hard it is for you. Keep praying, dear friend. God is in control.

  5. "Feels like I've been here forever. Why can't You just intervene? Do You see the tears keep falling? And I'm falling apart at the seams; but You never said the road would be easy, but You said that You would never leave. And You never promised that this life wasn't hard, but You promised You'd take care of me. So I'll stop searching for the answers. I'll stop praying for an escape; and I'll trust you, God, with where I am and believe that You will have Your way. Just have Your way..."

    ("Have Your Way" by Britt Nicole)

    Oh, Sky, I am so sorry! Reading this post, I could see that your pain was real: a real, hurting pain deep within your heart. I thought that this song may be an encouragement and reminder to you that God is in control; there is a reason behind this difficulty in your life. You and I may not know what that reason is: we may never know! But there really IS a reason; God didn't look down and realize He made a mistake. He has a purpose for this. I don't know about you, but for me, that thought is very encouraging!

    This may have been a long, rambling comment that doesn't do you a bit of good, but, oh! I hope it does! :) *(and I'll try not to crawl under a rock in half-fear once this comment is officially posted... ;)*

    <3, Emily

  6. Dear Sky,

    I had some extra time today. And so I got on blogger to see what my friends were writing about. That's why I'm here.

    I'm not going to say I know how you feel because when people have told me that very thing I thought, "No, no you don't because you're not me and you don't understand, and you haven't gone through my situation." Because truthfully every situation is just a little bit different and it's terribly presumptions for one human heart to assume they know perfectly well how another human heart feels. I know it sucks to lose friends. I have lost 5 within the last two years. Some forever. Some turned into strangers. Some even turned into bitter enemies. Some walked away from me. Some I decided were not healthy in my life and so I had to be the one to walk away. But I will say this, I have learned that if you have the courage to trust God and believe He truly knew what he was doing, that if you have the bravery to accept His plans for your life and say goodbye, He always rewards you with a brand new hello. I broke off a close friendship two months ago that was dysfunctional and unhealthy only to meet someone who cares about me infinitely more and is a better friend and influence on me.

    Times like this, yeah, they suck. They suck big time. But they're not the sum of our life. Don't let one painful, agonizing, hellish experience make you give up all hope of finding something so special again. If it happened once, it can happen again. Good things still happen even when bad things do. We just have to remember to not let the bad things diminish the worth of the good.

    If you ever need anything, AND I MEAN ANYTHING, (and don't feel pressured to accept this), but if you ever just need to vent or talk to someone, I'll always be here and I'll always listen to anything without judging.


  7. I would like to say that I know how you feel, Sky. But I don't. I've never experienced a friendship falling apart like that, but I imagine it must be a tough nut to crack.

    Truth is, I've only had 1 real friend growing up. And it's only by the grace of the almighty God that He saw fit that her and I would never turn our backs on each other. I've been with her through many times when she turned her back on other friends for some angry reason. So I always wondered: would I be the next friend she'd reject? But she never has! We're maybe not so close now, but we're still always there when one of us wants to reach out. It's nice to know someone for more than 13 years of your life! We still know so much about each other.

    I hope you have friends like the one I have. And if you don't have them now, they're coming. All you need is one good friend that understands the quirks of your mind, and I think a person is then set for life!


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