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note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,


I'm sitting here listening to The Saltwater Room by Owl City. What a beautiful, contemplative song.

"We'll turn out all of the lights and set this ballroom aglow."

I've never been to a ball. I don't even know how to dance. I've never worn an honest-to-goodness formal dress. The closest I got was wearing a flower girl dress in my aunt's cowboy-themed wedding. My sparkly cowboy boots were cool, I'll admit, but I can't imagine twirling in a ballroom with them. 

I wish I could dance. Sometimes I don't feel graceful enough. I've been taught the basics of waltzing, but I trip over my own feet. And whenever I try, I feel like a klutz. It's kind of awkward to try to dance without a partner, though.

I wish I could walk along the shoreline and inhale the misty breeze. I wish I could touch the stars. I wish I could dance.

Now The Tip of the Iceberg just came on. I want to wear a warm fuzzy sweater now, if only it wasn't sweltering heat outside. I like snow, I really do, but my chronic pain reacts to the weather and I'm not sure if I'm ready for another couple months of storms. 

And then I think about what a messed up jumble of a post this is, and I wonder if it's even worth it to hit publish. I second-guess myself in my writing all the time. And don't even talk to me about editing. I don't like it. At all.

I was just tempted to stop and hit the preview button, since that's what I do all the time when I write up blog posts. But I stopped myself. Hooray.

Writing draftless like this makes me feel more contemplative and down than I really should be. I mean, I have lots to be thankful for! I don't know why this post is turning out melancholy.

Okay, I'm going to turn on a different song now. What about Hot Air Balloon? 

That's a little better.

Someday, it's on my bucket list to ride in a hot air balloon. I'm afraid of heights in some ways, so I'm not sure how I'd do millions of feet above the ground. (That is an exaggeration, by the way.) But at the same time, it would be so cool to look down on the world below and see the way it forms a patchwork quilt. 

So, I guess the moral of this blog post is:

1. I don't know how to dance.
2. I'm sorta-kinda looking forward to winter.
3. I would love to ride in a hot air balloon.

"You made my frown turn upside down, and now my worries are gone."

This post was written freely, as I tried not to stop and just write the thoughts on my brain. This post was written draftless.

Join the Draftless challenge @ Dramatic Elegance.


  1. This is so beautiful! I love that you took the meaning behind this challenge and ran with it like crazy! <3

  2. Okay, okay, but before I go, I just have one thing to say. BLAH! **sticks out tongue with sock plastered to it and throws it at you** Just kidding. Actually, what I wanted to say was, you rock.

  3. Okay, okay, but before I go I just have one thing to say... BLAH! **grabs a sock of her tongue and throws it at you** just kidding, what I really wanted to say was...

    You rock.

    That was it.

  4. haha, this was AWESOME!!!!! totally loved it, girly. <3


  5. Well if that was a draftless post I loved it! I can't dance to save my life either. I watch my heroines some times with complete envy as they dance lightly to the music in their beautiful ball gowns and make it look so effortless! It's not fair! But then again they are fictional so I guess it make sense.

    Hot air balloons are amazing, I think it would be fun to do one over England and watch the countryside go beautifully by.

    And by the way I always hit the preview button while I am writing posts too. I just like it! But touche on preventing yourself.

    Have a lovely one!



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