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note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,
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I Can't Really Remember How to Write?


I haven't written since... November.

I mean, okay, that's not exactly true. I've written articles. I keep up, somehow, with The Fangirl Initiative, even though my health hasn't been kind lately. I try to write at Youer than You as well. But when it comes to fiction, the thing I thought I was destined to do? Yeah, no. That I haven't done since November, when I did the obligatory NaNo, closed my document, and haven't looked at it since.

Honestly, I think it's... okay. It's not actually okay in the truest sense because everything in me is screaming that it's not normal to not be writing. Writing is my thing. I've been doing it since I had access to a pen. But I think it's something that I have to walk through, for better or for worse. My mental health isn't great. My physical health isn't great. I can't write right now. And that, as much as it absolutely positively sucks, is okay. I've had to be able to admit that to myself. It's okay to not be able to write.

And that, besides the health problems, is why this blog has been so quiet lately. This blog is about writing. Except when I... can't write? I've had a bunch of drafts started. I tried to do Camp NaNo. I've started Pinterest boards, I've done Beautiful People questionaires... I've had a ton of false starts.

I've brainstormed, I've thought of characters, I've knocked on doors.

I just can't write right now.

And for now, that has to be okay.

***

S/O and many thanks to my sister: when I told her I hadn't written since November, she gasped and said, "That's not okay!" She then proceeded to throw out ideas at me all day. "You could write about this. You could write about that." Finally, one stuck. "You could write about aliens." One day, when the door is finally unlocked, I am going to write about aliens.

***

What do you do to get unstuck? Do you remember how to write? Have you ever been at a place in your mental health journey where you just couldn't write?
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  1. JaimeApril 25, 2017 at 7:18 AM

    I've felt pretty suck in writing more recently as well. I don't know why, maybe the busyness of life in general. Somehow during this past month I've dived into writing again, and I think it's working. So there's hope, Sky! Just give yourself time, especially if you have a lot of other things to deal with. But when you do figure it out, I'm so ready to hear about these aliens! <333

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  2. Victoria Grace HowellApril 27, 2017 at 10:51 AM

    I've had to take breaks from writing for health reasons. I hope you feel better soon!

    storitorigrace.blogspot.com

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  3. EmilyApril 28, 2017 at 6:11 AM

    I'm in a state of perpetual stuck. :) Something about aliens would be great, though. They freak me out...so obviously it would be a great read.

    Be patient with yourself and remember that sometimes it's good to take a break. It's hard to force inspiration. Usually it just strikes whenever it wants.

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  4. ashley tahgApril 30, 2017 at 6:55 AM

    It is totally okay to need a period of mental (and emotional) rest from writing!! There is no need to pressure yourself to do something, especially if it is healthier for you to rest and get yourself in a better place.
    It sounds to me like your writer's brain hasn't clicked off, the passion hasn't died, the candle hasn't flickered out...so hold in there. It will be back and when it does, I'm positive it will be back with vigor.

    <3

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  5. The Story SpongeJuly 8, 2017 at 12:11 PM

    That is hard. Sometimes I can't write and I feel like there must be something wrong with me- How can I be a writer when I can't write? I think all writers have these crises from time to time. But it's okay to take breaks. Hang in there!

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