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note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,

I Left my Heart in Metropolis

let the world disappear
there are places up here we can hide
somewhere only we can find

- rachel platten, astronauts

(Today I'm going to do something that I almost never do: talk about my life. And thus, a hush falls over the crowd! Shock and awe consume them as the blogger begins her story...)

It wasn't until last year that I realized that I am a city girl. Born and raised in one, I don't know why I thought I would ever be anything different, but being in a small town made me realize how city-esque I am.

Sure, you won't find me in Manhattan (but that's mostly because I have no money to go there or buy Hamilton tickets), and the city I live in is small in comparison to other big cities (i.e., Manhattan or Denver).

Denver is cool!
Because of this, I guess I always thought I was disqualified from being a city girl since I didn't exactly live in NYC.

Hahaha. No. 

When I went to Oregon in September of 2015, it hit me how much of a city girl I am--mostly because I saw a lot of things that I don't usually see. I did see Portland, which is amazing and gorgeous.

But then, I spent a night in a small coastal town, and after that, I spent most of my time in the middle of a secluded forest. I saw sheep. I saw goats. I saw dirt roads. When I went to sleep, it was so quiet--no traffic outside. No sirens. Just silence.

And I did love it. But when I'm in the city, I remember that I love that too.

Case in point: April 9th. My friend G and I went to see Newsies in Denver. We parked on the very top of a parking garage, and it was gorgeous. I felt like I was in Manhattan. In an episode of Daredevil, to be exact.

(Look, I just really love bokeh.)
I was reminded of that day on July 4th, when my family and I went to the roof of a parking garage to watch fireworks. The breeze was amazing, and it felt thrilling to be so high. (When I didn't look down, at least.) 

Don't get me wrong: I'm a mountain soul, and the ocean speaks to me.

I love the forest. I love trees. I love being in solitude and nature and peace. 

But does that mean I hate the city? Heck no.

There's this feeling of the city--the sounds, the lights, the air. It's kind of hard to describe, but it's something I love.

There's a weird feeling of being so small. You feel tiny and you remember that life isn't all about you. You are just one small part in an overwhelming story.

all the world's a stage,
and all the men and women merely players; 
they have their exits and their entrances, 
and one man in his time plays many parts

- shakespeare

And that's why, even if I move to the coast or the country, I will always come back to the city because I always leave a little bit of my heart there. I always can't wait to go back.

i left my heart in metropolis!

- owl city

Cities sometimes get a bad rep, but being a city girl is seriously underrated. I love the lights, the noises, and the feeling of being a part of something bigger than myself. I love the city. And I'm okay with that.

neon heart, day-glo eyes
the city lit by fireflies
they're advertising in the skies
for people like us

- u2


  1. I relate, I love cities and small towns, and I am always torn between them.

  2. I'm such a city girl, oh my Lord. I could spend a week (maybe) in the country, but no more or I'd go insane. I love the feeling of busyness, productivity, and of having lots of different things to do.

    Ellie | On the Other Side of Reality

    1. So true! I love occasional bursts in the country, but I can't stay away from the city too long!

  3. Aww, this is cute. Sometimes I think I'm a city girl, other times I think I'm a let's-go-to-a-super-secluded-place-in-the-woods-or-great-wide-somewhere girl. While I'm usually the latter and I don't know if I could live /in/ the city (too loud?), I do think visiting the city and having daydream-y nights like I am in Manhatten or something are wonderful. I want to visit big cities and then return home to a nice secluded place. So maybe I'll just come visit you in your big cities. :)

    1. Yeah, the city is definitely loud! I get that. It takes some getting used to for sure. I totally understand what you mean. Solitude and quiet are amazing, but I do love how small I feel in the great-wide-somewhere too.

      I would totally be okay with that. ♥♥

  4. as a country girl, I really really loved this. I have lived in the country (or close enough) since I was about seven years old, but I rather crave the city life now that I'm older. it used to scare me, but now the concept of being in the city almost excites me. there's so much potential adventure waiting to happen, while my country adventures involve sitting in fields and praying that bugs don't eat me to death. :)

    your pictures are lovely! I especially love the one where the sun is just barely peeking over a building, with that beautiful house next to it. I love houses that look like that. :)

    1. I understand totally what you mean. I think there are adventures to be found in both the country AND the city. Ugh, the world is so amazing.

      Ahhh, thank you so much! I love that picture too. It was a cute little B&B (I think) on the Oregon coast at sunset. I was so excited to be able to capture such a moment, and it almost doesn't feel real. The world is so beautiful. ♥

  5. I am so undecided in this. I love both and could see myself living out a very happy life in either city or countryside. This post was lovely and really peaceful to read. :)

    1. I agree! I could live either place, but I probably would have to be somewhat close by to a city because it's where I feel super comfortable. I'd be good anywhere, though, because both of them have their pros and cons! Thank you so much, I'm so glad you enjoyed it. ♥

  6. This is cool! I'm definitely a suburban girl. XD The city is too overwhelming to me and the country is a bit too quiet, though I like visiting both. I just recently went to NYC and wow, it's crazy stimulating. So much noise and sound and light. It's crazy! Amazing to experience, but not something I'd want to live in. Have you ever been?


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