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note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,

2013 → 2014

written January 25th, 2014
...i'm behind on a ton of drafts. better four months late than never. p.s.! new year, new design. and hopefully fresh wind in my sails for this blog. i'm hoping. stay tuned.

last photo of me for 2013
last year i did this post. this year, i don't really have a word, except maybe recovery or rest. this picture sadly was taken only today, the 25th of january 2014, so it's not from 2013. but, what i do have is a list of things i want to remember in 2013. so here goes.

- went to a beauty and the beast play for my birthday. 
was wished a happy birthday by gaston, 
the beast, belle, lumiere, cogsworth, and pretty 
much every other character. it. was. amazing.
- saw frozen for the first time (what a great movie)
(we saw it on christmas eve and it was amazing.)
- went to my cousin's wedding and danced like CRAZY. 
- started so many novels: the angel novel, because we can, petrichor. 
finished because i'm irish for the second time, too.
- came up with even more ideas for novels & characters:
here comes the sun, we are of olympus, beam me up, scottie,
something about summer, and many other inklings in progress
- did my first camp nano ever with mixed results.
- won my fourth year of nano.
- read the great gatsby. and loved it. completely.
- had my first solo giveaway on this blog.
- went to my second celtic thunder concert
- videochatted with two of my friends, all together, for the very first time
- got involved in tv shows like agents of SHIELD, graceland, 
teen wolf, the tomorrow people, 
king of the nerds, how i met your mother, and the big bang theory.
- pulled probably a million all-nighters.
- discovered i had a corn allergy.
- found the wonderful band, marianas trench. akspdlkfj;j.
- also, fall out boy. <3 div="">
- listened to so much more music than before, 
expanding my horizons
- remembered what it's like to be a dreamer
- became even more addicted to pinterest.
- fell even more in love with the avengers and tony stark.

- took my first step into the james bond fandom with the movie skyfall. 
- i was first exposed to dylan o'brien and fell in love.
- watched America's Got Talent for the first time 
....and pulled my whole family into it
- hung out with my brother so many late nights.
- finally, finally wrote a scene in because i'm irish that i'd 
been putting off for months. and gave it a proper ending.
- took 3rd and 4th place in a writing contest!!!
- learned so much more beyond my worldview.
- ate chipotle. a lot.
- learned to live without things i previously loved to eat. and it's not too bad.
- dealt with, to varying degrees of success and acceptance, 
my physical challenges, and tried to cope with intensely intense pain.
- cried, probably a lot, but that is life.
- laughed, also a lot. possibly more than the crying.
- cried over fictional characters. which is an entirely different kind of crying.
- had a very brief love affair with the voice (*whispers* adam levine)
- lived almost the entire year on an entirely nocturnal schedule. 
the jury is still out on whether it is preferable to living life during the day.
- succumbed to the world of facebook games.
- wrote some poetry again.
- got so much closer to my current friends, and made new ones.
- changed a lot as to how i feel about life and God and loving people.
- got better and recovered. all around.

it was a good, restful year.
i am more than nervous and filled with trepidation about 2014, 
but i can't stop it. i can only go with the flow.
so here goes, 2014. be good to me!


  1. I found Marianas Trench and Fall Out Boy too! Good to see you post again :)


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