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note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,
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i run like the ocean to find your shore

 
i am restless, i am restless
i am restless, looking for you

Because of my chronic pain, it's hard for me to walk, run, or do any type of exercise. This is something I sometimes can do, though. After being begged by one of the little girls we babysit, "Kylie! Kylie! Come with us!", I decided to go on the walk with them.

I walked three houses down (five if you count the distance I walked the dog while I waited for the others). I didn't want to overdo it so I decided to stop, but then I ran the entire way back.

I ran.

The only sound was my breathing and my feet against the pavement. The only thing I could see was the path in front of me and the sun in my eyes and the bright blue sky.

It was glorious.

As I ran, Jon Foreman's voice came into my head.

“running hard for the other side,
the world that i've always been denied,
running hard for the infinite, 
with the tears of saints and hypocrites.”

There was nothing in my mind except the song. My mind was totally clear, thinking of nothing except getting down the path, getting to the next stretch.

I can see why people run. It feels amazing. Maybe someday, if I feel better, I can start running too.

At least I can run in heaven, where the streets have no name.

I seriously, seriously can't wait.

In the meantime, I'm so grateful that I was able to run and feel the breath in my lungs, the sun in my eyes, and my footsteps against the sidewalk. I want to hold onto that feeling forever.


i run like the ocean to find your shore,
looking for you, looking for you.
- switchfoot, restless

not my photos.
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  1. Christine SmithFebruary 13, 2014 at 1:52 PM

    Hey, sweet girl! It's so good to see you posting! ^_^

    My goodness, I so understand! With all my health issues I can't really run either. It just about kills me trying, but I do understand how fun it can be. It just breaks my heart to hear about other people going through health problems as well, because I know how hard it is! I'd give you a real hug if I could but I'll just have to settle for a virtual one. *huuugs*

    God has an amazing plan for you life, just keep running towards Him. ^_^ And if you ever need to talk, my inbox is ALWAYS open. Absolutely any time.

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  2. Emily ChapmanFebruary 13, 2014 at 2:49 PM

    Love you. I know it sounds crazy since I've commented on here, like, twice, but you've reminded me of what it means to live. To take breaths of fresh air and just run... and how those two simple things are enormous blessings always taken for granted.

    Thanks, dear.
    - emily

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  3. UnknownFebruary 13, 2014 at 9:45 PM

    Dude, this is beautifulness and I totally had this song on my heart today before I even saw this post! So blessed! Prayers for you and blessings and many days of pain-free running, girl!

    Kate

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  4. TarissaFebruary 24, 2014 at 9:58 PM

    I love going on walks, but sometimes one must run. It's pretty much the best feeling the world.

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