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on the power of showing up

note: I wrote this post in April of 2019 (pre-COVID). It's been sitting in my drafts for quite a while, but I think it's time for it to see the light of day. It's been helpful for me to reread over the past few months, especially as I continue to try to make an effort to write, and I hope it can be helpful to you, too. i got an invite to a writers' group a few months ago, and i had never felt like more of a fraud in my life. it had been months, if not years, since i'd felt like a writer. the proverbial well of words in my heart had dried up, it seemed, and i wasn't sure if it was ever coming back. i agreed to go out of a sense of helplessness—i'd identified as a writer ever since i could remember. if i'm not a writer, who am i?  i told myself that it was important to show up and act like a writer even when i didn't feel like one, because even though i hadn't been writing, i reassured myself, i still was a writer. but sometimes the words f
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i run like the ocean to find your shore

 
i am restless, i am restless
i am restless, looking for you

Because of my chronic pain, it's hard for me to walk, run, or do any type of exercise. This is something I sometimes can do, though. After being begged by one of the little girls we babysit, "Kylie! Kylie! Come with us!", I decided to go on the walk with them.

I walked three houses down (five if you count the distance I walked the dog while I waited for the others). I didn't want to overdo it so I decided to stop, but then I ran the entire way back.

I ran.

The only sound was my breathing and my feet against the pavement. The only thing I could see was the path in front of me and the sun in my eyes and the bright blue sky.

It was glorious.

As I ran, Jon Foreman's voice came into my head.

“running hard for the other side,
the world that i've always been denied,
running hard for the infinite, 
with the tears of saints and hypocrites.”

There was nothing in my mind except the song. My mind was totally clear, thinking of nothing except getting down the path, getting to the next stretch.

I can see why people run. It feels amazing. Maybe someday, if I feel better, I can start running too.

At least I can run in heaven, where the streets have no name.

I seriously, seriously can't wait.

In the meantime, I'm so grateful that I was able to run and feel the breath in my lungs, the sun in my eyes, and my footsteps against the sidewalk. I want to hold onto that feeling forever.


i run like the ocean to find your shore,
looking for you, looking for you.
- switchfoot, restless

not my photos.
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  1. Christine SmithFebruary 13, 2014 at 1:52 PM

    Hey, sweet girl! It's so good to see you posting! ^_^

    My goodness, I so understand! With all my health issues I can't really run either. It just about kills me trying, but I do understand how fun it can be. It just breaks my heart to hear about other people going through health problems as well, because I know how hard it is! I'd give you a real hug if I could but I'll just have to settle for a virtual one. *huuugs*

    God has an amazing plan for you life, just keep running towards Him. ^_^ And if you ever need to talk, my inbox is ALWAYS open. Absolutely any time.

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  2. Emily ChapmanFebruary 13, 2014 at 2:49 PM

    Love you. I know it sounds crazy since I've commented on here, like, twice, but you've reminded me of what it means to live. To take breaths of fresh air and just run... and how those two simple things are enormous blessings always taken for granted.

    Thanks, dear.
    - emily

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  3. UnknownFebruary 13, 2014 at 9:45 PM

    Dude, this is beautifulness and I totally had this song on my heart today before I even saw this post! So blessed! Prayers for you and blessings and many days of pain-free running, girl!

    Kate

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  4. TarissaFebruary 24, 2014 at 9:58 PM

    I love going on walks, but sometimes one must run. It's pretty much the best feeling the world.

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