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note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,

a terrible privilege

So. It's been a while since I last blogged.

I'm currently sick, and this is going to be a bit of a rambly post just to get back on the blog again. To break the ice, so to speak.

Be right back. I have to grab my tea.

Too many thoughts started pouring through my head so I grabbed my laptop and brought it to the kitchen so I can type while I wait for the honey to uncrystallize. Is this what they call liveblogging? Live, from the kitchen, Sky reports.

So as I mentioned, I've got a bit of a head cold that materialized last night. Pesky thing, that. It kept me up for quite a while and I generally didn't sleep well. I love being sick.

However, I've found a remedy that I haven't previously had: peppermint tea with honey. It works wonders to soothe my throat.

Speaking of which, I'm going to go finish making it. Be right back... again.

I'm back. With tea.

Everyone deserves tea. - Jane Bennet

So, that seems to be a good transition into my next point: The Lizzie Bennet Diaries. It's an online adaptation of Pride and Prejudice--told vlog style. It's creative. Funny. And I'm afraid I've gotten hopelessly, irrevocably attached to the characters. The story is playing out in real time in front of our eyes, so it's almost like these are living, breathing characters. The characters themselves even interact with the fans on social media. It's bringing breaking the fourth wall to a whole new level.

In addition to The Lizzie Bennet Diaries, I've been falling head over heels with The Avengers. Seriously, guys... I think I've got it bad. The other day I was completely unsure how to explain to my mom why I wanted to watch it again after watching it only a few weeks before. And a few weeks before that. I think I'm becoming addicted, and I am wholeheartedly in the Avengers fandom. (I even put a few Marvel comics on hold a couple days ago. THIS IS BIG, PEOPLE.)

The reasons for my love for the Avengers are many, but the main one is Tony Stark. I can't express how much I love him. For one thing, he's sarcastic and funny, but it's not portrayed as a bad thing like it is in so many other stories. It's portrayed as what makes him Tony. Without his sarcasm and sass, he wouldn't be Tony Stark. It's refreshing to see that sarcasm, and snark, and wit can actually enhance who we are, and doesn't necessarily have to be written out of us entirely. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that. It's made me feel like having a sense of humor is okay, and I don't have to change who I am.

I have connected with Tony Stark on a deeper level than I've ever connected with any character before, it seems. After watching Iron Man for the first time last year, my dad remarked to me that the reason Stark probably resonated so deeply with us is because he, too, is a wounded warrior. (Both my dad and I struggle with chronic illness and disabilities.) Since then, I've never been able to shake that.

There's a part in The Avengers where Tony is talking to Bruce Banner, aka The Hulk. I can't remember exactly what was said (the dialogue is too brilliant to remain in my head at all times) but I believe that they're discussing how much Bruce dislikes his "the other guy" -- aka the Hulk. He doesn't think it's a good thing, and he honestly hates it.

That's when Tony says this. This thing that really hit me hard. "You know, I've got a cluster of shrapnel, trying every second to crawl its way into my heart." He points at the mini-arc reactor in his chest. "This stops it. This little circle of light. It's part of me now, not just armor. It's a... terrible privilege."

And that's made me tear up more than once. Because this fibromyalgia, this thing I have, the thing I struggle with every day... it's terrible. But it's also a privilege.

A terrible privilege.

I've kept this with me close to my heart. And I just want to say thank you to Tony Stark for expressing something that has touched me so very deeply. Even though he's not real, I wish he could be. And if the opportunity ever presents itself, I desperately want to give him a big hug. Whether it's in this world or the next.

So anyway, I'm in tears now, but in a good way. I think I'll send this off now, and finish my tea, and go to bed. 

Not to completely ruin the mood, but down to business--this post will be published using Blogger's post-to-email feature. I'm writing this in Gmail Offline and hopefully this will send tomorrow once the internet turns back on in the morning. Because this is the first time I'm using the post-to-email feature, I hope this works, and I apologise for any technical difficulties or problems. (I love spelling apologize with an s. My Canadian friend has ruined me for the better. Hey, Micah!)

Another thing I wanted to mention, now that I'm not as emotional: I was able to go shopping the other day, and even though it completely wiped me out and I ached for days afterwards, I enjoyed getting out to Wal-Mart. I bought an Avengers poster and Mockingjay earrings. Proof that even outside the house, fandoms (and Tumblr) never die.

And they especially don't die on Blogger.

\\\\///// Live long and prosper, friends. Love and hugs to you all, and thanks for reading this. ♥ Don't forget to be awesome.

(AH, YES! That's another huge fandom thing I forgot to mention: I am now officially a Nerdfighter. I completely love this community and the people behind it. More on that sometime, perhaps.)

Where was I? Ah, yes. \\\\///// Live long and prosper, friends, and I shall see you soon.


  1. AAaaaaah thank you, thank you, thank you! So many people I know can't stand Stark because "he's so selfish and sarcastic and bratty" Which I find to be a bit harsh. Yeah, he's sarcastic, sure. But he's not selfish. Taking that bomb and almost sacrificing himself to save the world wasn't exactly a selfish act. I like to think of his sarcasm and sometimes brattiness to be more of a shield. I think he's actually very vulnerable and sweet and doesn't like to show it. He's protecting himself through the smart alecky comments. :) At least, that is my opinion. :D

    As it is.... thanks to you, I really want tea now... I hope you feel better soon! Headcolds are no fun.

    Also. Live long and prosper. I loved how you did that. :D


    1. Sometimes I just want to slap Tony Stark across the face, but after this comment and this post, I'm not sure I'll ever want to that again. Now, I just want to give him a big hug.

  2. It posted, dearie!

    Gosh, you gave me chills with this post. Terrible Privilege. That needs to be like...a tshirt or something..

    I've never truly liked Z. It's just to harsh.

    Love you, Tea Spitterian pal.

  3. Sky! It's so good to see you post! I've MISSED your posts and have also been worried about you. I always keep you in my prayers. Chronic health problems is definitely something I can relate with and I know how hard it is to get around to posting sometimes. I'm just really glad to "see" you. *hugs* I'm sorry about your cold though. I hope it will go away soon.

    Seriously, are we secretly the same person? That's exactly how I feel about Tony Stark! He is absolutely my favorite of The Avengers. Also that movie...I'd probably watch it every single day if I could. The Marvel movies are too brilliant for words.

    What you said was beautiful. Terrible're always so inspiring. Thank you for this. I needed to see this right now.

  4. Good for you for getting back with blogging, even if you are sick.

    LIZZIE BENNET DIARIES!! EEEEEE!!!!! I'm having a fangirl moment. I love that whole series; it's so fun to see how they modernize it. Tehe, it's always nice to find another fan of it!

  5. Hello! I just recently discovered your blog and have been enjoying in immensely. I was also overjoyed to find someone who like The Avengers as much as I do and feel the need to watch it over and over again :). Tony Stark annoys me, but The Avengers would be pretty lame without him. His one liners are the best ever :).


  6. I love the avengers too! My dad got me hooked and I've watched all the Marvel inspired movies with him now! Love your blog, btw :)

    Dare @

  7. That is a beautiful revelation, Sky. I don't have to suffer with any physical trials, but I suppose that any struggle could be labelled a terrible privilege.

    Oh, and the Lizzie Bennet Diaries sounds like a fabulous concept! I'll have to check it out :)

    - Abigail Rogers


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