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note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,

Beautiful People: Avary & Ryan

It's always hard for me to decide which characters to use for BP, and it was doubly hard this time around. You already know these two, but it was rather nervewracking to post them since they've become incredibly close to my heart. Avary and Ryan are in my Camp NaNo novel, tentatively titled Souvenirs of a Life Untold. They have an... interesting relationship.

1. Do they believe in anything that most people think is impossible?

Avary is a dreamer, so yes. She’s always dreamed of the unknown. It surprises her when something impossible actually does happen in the story, but it’s more exciting to her than anything.

Ryan, on the other hand, is incredibly skeptical. He’ll eventually figure things out for himself, but it takes a while.

2. Are they strong, or the "damsel/knight in distress" sort?

Ooh. Tough question. Avary is a mixture of strong and dependent. She has forced herself to become emotionally strong, and yet she still needs other people—more than she’d like to admit.

Ryan is not a knight in distress. He can take care of himself, thank you very much.

3. Do they have a special place? (e.g. a corner in his/her bedroom, under a tree...)

Avary has two. The forest surrounding her house, and her windowseat. She’ll retreat to either place with a notebook and a fountain pen and scribble away.

Ryan doesn’t really have a special place because he moves on so often. However, he’s most comfortable in the woods. I suppose that’s one thing he and Avary have in common.

4. What occupation do they have, or plan on having?

Avary would like nothing better than to be a writer and have her novels published. She’s a private person, though, so sharing her writing is scary. That’s her eventual goal, though.

Ryan has already found a suitable occupation, and that is a jack of all trades. He does carpentry and fixing things, mostly.

5. Describe their current place of residence.

Avary lives in a white clapboard house with a giant front porch and green shutters. It’s located in the rural area, about 30 minutes from town, in the middle of a giant forest with a minimal amount of neighbors and distractions.

Ryan’s place of residence changes so often that it’s hard to tell. He’ll stay in a place for a few weeks or at best a month, and then move on. Usually he holes up in the local inn and just pays for an extended visit.

6. Explain their last crisis. How had they changed when they came out of it?

Avary’s last crisis is hard to pinpoint. I do believe it involved someone leaving her, a broken relationship, or someone betraying her trust. After that, she changed by resolving to not trust so easily. To this day, she finds it hard to let people into the deepest parts of her heart. Further details are something I have no idea about yet. She hasn’t seen fit to tell me.

Ryan’s last true crisis had two parts. Years ago, his father left his family for good. As a boy the age of six, it was incredibly hard for him to comprehend and accept. He once was an innocent little boy with wide eyes and a joy for living. He changed into a scarred individual with a limited amount of trust and a gypsy soul that can’t find a place where he feels at home.

The second crisis he faced was when he left his family behind, just like his father had. He still to this day cannot stop regretting the choices he made that day.

7. If they could drive any kind of car they wanted, what would it be?

Ryan would drive a navy blue pickup truck, and that’s exactly what he drives right now. He purchased it at the age of 16 and has put it through more than normal cars go through in a lifetime. He and his truck has a strange bond, and he doesn’t see the point in getting a new one. As far as he’s concerned, he already has his dream car.

Avary would drive a VW bug.

8. How do they deal with change?

Avary resists it with everything in her. She hates it. It scares her. On the flip side, she craves adventure, which goes hand in hand with change. So I suppose she has a love/hate relationship with it. She’s a complex individual, that one is.

Ryan, on the other hand, accepts it. He thrives on it. It’s the only way he can keep his mind off of all the mistakes he’s made in the past.

9. If they had to amputate one body part, which one would they choose?

Avary would choose her left hand. She needs her right one to journal and write novels, and she needs her feet in order to go to the places she chooses. She would be at a loss when using a typewriter, of course, but that would be a small loss compared to losing the ability to write with a pen and walk to her hiding places.

Ryan can’t afford to lose any of his appendages, so he’d choose to amputate a finger. That would cause the minimal amount of damage and allow him to still continue his work.

10. What would their favorite be at the local coffee shop?

Ryan takes his coffee either black or with a tiny bit of cream. No sugar. He likes it bitter.

Avary likes coffee in any form, and will drink it black if need be, but she prefers coffee with cream and sugar. She also loves strawberry lemonade, which is conveniently sold at the local café.

Part Two

1. How did they meet?

Ryan passes through her town, and they meet somehow. Potentially. This is still to be determined.

2. How do these two deal with conflict?

Ryan is intensely hard to deal with in conflict. Avary feels the need to talk things out, whereas Ryan just totally closes up and shuts down. This makes their arguments very difficult and sometimes quite heated.

3. Do they have a special song, phrase, item, or place?

“Don’t be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling.”

4. What kind of things do they like to do together?

Oh, um, I don’t know. Save the world. Travel the galaxy. Stuff like that.

5. Describe their relationship as a whole in 3 words or less.

Hard to crack.

other links: 
ryan: round one | ryan: round two | avary: round one | avary: round two 


  1. These two sound awesome! I like Ryan more and more every time I hear about him, and I have to say, I wish I could meet Avary. She sounds like my kind of person :)

  2. Hey! So... you used to follow me, and stuff... but then I kinda went AWOL. Well now I'm back and would love it if you read my blog again! :)


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